xmas eve part I: bible reading and how i got shafted by uncle #3

Christmas traditions. Every family has them, right? Well in our family, we do Christmas Eve at my dad's parents house. Among the various personalities present, the two most important:

The Matriarch - Amazing woman, Commander of Crosswords who sings loudly and often, generous to a fault and in her old age becoming a tad forgetful... as in, she bought my then 13-year-old brother a LEGO set for Christmas last year.

The Patriarch - 90 something formerly prestigious Doctor, now selectively deaf UBER religious grandpa who I'm pretty sure believes we are all going to HELL because we don't go to the Catholic church where women wear doilies on their heads (or any church, really, but I digress).

Well grandpa always insists on Bible Reading before presents, which is fine. It probably would be less fine if he could hear the intonation and improvisation that goes on...

Like Uncle #1 (Organic farmer - loud when drunk, but aren't we all?) who surmised ... after skipping from the birth of the Lord to the circumcision chapter... that after the SNIP the son of God was named "Oh Jesus"....

Or my Aunt #1, Cousin #1 and #2, and Uncle #2 who all said PASS when the Book came to them, like roll-call for a bunch of ADD toddlers.

Or like my Mother (well she is my mother, so I will leave these parentheses devoid of criticism) who insisted on taking her reading very seriously... commanding everyone's attention and stopping with an 'ehem' at any distractions that then set everyone into giggles.

Okay, I am not doing this any justice. Maybe this picture helps?

No? You can come see for yourself next year. I promise you will be very entertained, or very offended. One or the other.

After the Bible Reading comes the Presents. In the past, we all used to get everyone Christmas gifts, but a few years back Aunt #1 decided we should do a gift exchange instead. Frankly, this idea was quite alright by me.

Really, receiving a gift certificate to a steakhouse as a vegetarian is one thing, but realizing it is expired... now that's the kind of joy I think people mean when they talk about feeling the Christmas love. Seriously, that happened once. And Hello Kitty happened too. And socks. Lots of socks.

So anyway, the gift exhange was really a good switch... and with everyone buying only one gift, things have been much better. We have a $100 limit which means - in my book - you should spend about that. Yes, "limit" implies do not go over but you don't want to go too far under either, right?

For example, I got my twenty-something cousin by marriage a $75 gift card and this amazing beer shampoo and conditioner:

(Side note: This stuff is THE Best. It's called Duffy's Brew and it's home made by friends of ours and it smells better than anything you've ever used on your hair and basically it's unicorn sparkle amazingness. But better.)

Anyway, I feel that for someone I don't know well, that is a great gift. Something that I really like... and something useful for him. And most everyone else in the family shockingly did really well with presents this year too.

Well, I'm just going to come out and say it.

I got shafted. 

Not that it really matters, because I am sooo spoiled and lucky and I have a onesie so whatever... but I got shafted. By my uncle... Uncle #3... the one who didn't come to family Christmas because he thinks everyone hates him (and some of us do) because he is trying to take all of my grandparent's money before they die. 

You know, I could excuse this if he were, oh I dunno, really poor or something. But he's not. He's just greedy and bitter.

(This might all be oversharing because we're "friends" on Facebook and there is a good chance he will read this... or I could follow in my mother's footsteps and defriend him... decisions... decisions...)

Oh, so you want to know what I got?

A paperback book.

The Art of Racing in the Rain.

Great book, actually. Just read it. Now I have two copies.

Do you know what's great about giving someone a paperbook book as a gift?

Absolutely nothing.

Okay, well maybe it would be a nice gesture from a friend, ya know, just because. But NOT for a Christmas gift in a $100 gift exchange.

I'm sorry, my puppy Homie gives better gifts than that... like every poop that is not inside.

(Sidenote: I just decided I will be including this copy in my UPCOMING GIVEAWAY... YES I'm having a giveaway, because I have over 100 followers now and that's what you do when you have over 100 followers. And I promise to include better Christmas leftovers than bitter uncle book... like unused giftcards. So stay tuned...)

Well after I opened my gift (the book), my dad just laughed and said:

"Shit rolls down the hill, Jenny. Shit rolls down the hill."

I'm not really sure how that applies, but did I mention I love my dad?

Oh, and I love my dog Bondi too. Even though he's like Uncle #3 bitter to be wearing a Christmas hat...

So anyway, Uncle #3, if you're reading this, you suck at Christmas. And sometimes at life. You should probably grow up and get a job. I hear they pay maybe even better than my grandparents' savings account. And maybe you didn't need to buy that vacation home or the new motorcycle... Just saying.

Phewww, I feel much better.

Coming up next, (1) why Christmas Eve this year was hilarious - there will be a video! and (2)introducing technology (ehem: IPAD/Facebook) to the Commander of Crosswords... the Matriarch... my Grandma :-)