xmas eve part I: bible reading and how i got shafted by uncle #3

Christmas traditions. Every family has them, right? Well in our family, we do Christmas Eve at my dad's parents house. Among the various personalities present, the two most important:

The Matriarch - Amazing woman, Commander of Crosswords who sings loudly and often, generous to a fault and in her old age becoming a tad forgetful... as in, she bought my then 13-year-old brother a LEGO set for Christmas last year.

The Patriarch - 90 something formerly prestigious Doctor, now selectively deaf UBER religious grandpa who I'm pretty sure believes we are all going to HELL because we don't go to the Catholic church where women wear doilies on their heads (or any church, really, but I digress).

Well grandpa always insists on Bible Reading before presents, which is fine. It probably would be less fine if he could hear the intonation and improvisation that goes on...

Like Uncle #1 (Organic farmer - loud when drunk, but aren't we all?) who surmised ... after skipping from the birth of the Lord to the circumcision chapter... that after the SNIP the son of God was named "Oh Jesus"....

Or my Aunt #1, Cousin #1 and #2, and Uncle #2 who all said PASS when the Book came to them, like roll-call for a bunch of ADD toddlers.

Or like my Mother (well she is my mother, so I will leave these parentheses devoid of criticism) who insisted on taking her reading very seriously... commanding everyone's attention and stopping with an 'ehem' at any distractions that then set everyone into giggles.

Okay, I am not doing this any justice. Maybe this picture helps?

No? You can come see for yourself next year. I promise you will be very entertained, or very offended. One or the other.

After the Bible Reading comes the Presents. In the past, we all used to get everyone Christmas gifts, but a few years back Aunt #1 decided we should do a gift exchange instead. Frankly, this idea was quite alright by me.

Really, receiving a gift certificate to a steakhouse as a vegetarian is one thing, but realizing it is expired... now that's the kind of joy I think people mean when they talk about feeling the Christmas love. Seriously, that happened once. And Hello Kitty happened too. And socks. Lots of socks.

So anyway, the gift exhange was really a good switch... and with everyone buying only one gift, things have been much better. We have a $100 limit which means - in my book - you should spend about that. Yes, "limit" implies do not go over but you don't want to go too far under either, right?

For example, I got my twenty-something cousin by marriage a $75 gift card and this amazing beer shampoo and conditioner:

(Side note: This stuff is THE Best. It's called Duffy's Brew and it's home made by friends of ours and it smells better than anything you've ever used on your hair and basically it's unicorn sparkle amazingness. But better.)

Anyway, I feel that for someone I don't know well, that is a great gift. Something that I really like... and something useful for him. And most everyone else in the family shockingly did really well with presents this year too.

Well, I'm just going to come out and say it.

I got shafted. 

Not that it really matters, because I am sooo spoiled and lucky and I have a onesie so whatever... but I got shafted. By my uncle... Uncle #3... the one who didn't come to family Christmas because he thinks everyone hates him (and some of us do) because he is trying to take all of my grandparent's money before they die. 

You know, I could excuse this if he were, oh I dunno, really poor or something. But he's not. He's just greedy and bitter.

(This might all be oversharing because we're "friends" on Facebook and there is a good chance he will read this... or I could follow in my mother's footsteps and defriend him... decisions... decisions...)

Oh, so you want to know what I got?

A paperback book.

The Art of Racing in the Rain.

Great book, actually. Just read it. Now I have two copies.

Do you know what's great about giving someone a paperbook book as a gift?

Absolutely nothing.

Okay, well maybe it would be a nice gesture from a friend, ya know, just because. But NOT for a Christmas gift in a $100 gift exchange.

I'm sorry, my puppy Homie gives better gifts than that... like every poop that is not inside.

(Sidenote: I just decided I will be including this copy in my UPCOMING GIVEAWAY... YES I'm having a giveaway, because I have over 100 followers now and that's what you do when you have over 100 followers. And I promise to include better Christmas leftovers than bitter uncle book... like unused giftcards. So stay tuned...)

Well after I opened my gift (the book), my dad just laughed and said:

"Shit rolls down the hill, Jenny. Shit rolls down the hill."

I'm not really sure how that applies, but did I mention I love my dad?

Oh, and I love my dog Bondi too. Even though he's like Uncle #3 bitter to be wearing a Christmas hat...

So anyway, Uncle #3, if you're reading this, you suck at Christmas. And sometimes at life. You should probably grow up and get a job. I hear they pay maybe even better than my grandparents' savings account. And maybe you didn't need to buy that vacation home or the new motorcycle... Just saying.

Phewww, I feel much better.

Coming up next, (1) why Christmas Eve this year was hilarious - there will be a video! and (2)introducing technology (ehem: IPAD/Facebook) to the Commander of Crosswords... the Matriarch... my Grandma :-) 

my new onesie!

Christmas was amazing, as usual. We are all so blessed and so spoiled. I know I missed the boat on going into details, so I'll just share what has turned out to be my most favorite gift... an "I Love Sushi" onesie from Joe.

 

I was skeptical when I first opened it, and I'll admit... I even looked into exchanging it. I mean, seriously, it has smiling wasabis on it. Well as it turns out, Jumpin Jammerz has a horrible return policy so the onesie stayed. And I couldn't be happier!

 

The fleece onesie topic actually came up in conversation pre Christmas at my girlfriend's house. She was raving about hers (this must have been when Joe got the idea...) but her husband warned Joe... "Don't do it, man. You will not get any."

 

Well obviously Joe must have been confused when he saw this picture online:

 

I mean, who wouldn't be? :-)

 

But in real life.. or as us bloggers say IRL the onesie is even more amazing than DD boobies and come get me face. The onesie is soft and snuggly and warm and this:

 

And as Joe now knows, once the zipper goes up... it rarely comes down.

 

Weirdly, Joe has been doing a lot of laundry lately, and my new onesie seems to be getting washed quite frequently! ;-)

EDITED TO ADD: After some thought (and a glass of wine) I have realized a few instances when the onesie has been NOT so great:

1. When I drove Joe to work early in my onesie. I had to slam on my brakes and almost got rear ended and all I could think about was how the medics were going to come and find me in my *I Love Sushi* onesie and have to cut it off of me and I would then be nakey in the hospital and without my onesie.
2. Last night, when Mr. Bondi decided to run across the street to "greet" the neighbor's dog, and by greet I mean growl at. And I had to chase after him, stammering apologies, in my onesie. I doubt the neighbor thinks too highly of me.

Just saying.

merry christmas and happy new year!

The holidays get a little nutty around here, and I have lots of funnies to share.

Like how at my Grandparents' house on Christmas Eve we all gathered to read the birth story of Christ, and my uncle kept reading beyond the whole manger scene to circumcision story... specifically, he explained that when the penis was snipped the baby was named... "Oh Jesus." 

Or like how at my work Christmas party, my sister asked my coworker's (15 year junior) girlfriend if her "Daddy" was a good Santa Claus. In her defense, it was an honest mistake ;-)

But for now, I'll leave you with the holiday cards we scored from Shutterfly!

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

hello, december!

Wowzas, November was gone in the blink of an eye!

We spent last week with my family in Cabo, narrowly escaping the blizzard 4" of snow that shut down Seattle.

Seriously... schools closed, cars abandoned on the freeway, city on lock down. Yeah, we don't get a lot of snow in these parts...

When we touched down in Seattle on Monday night, sun burnt and clad in shorts and flip-flops, I was greeted by freezing rain. To offset this major kick in the ass, I had to immediately do a switcharoo to Christmas mode.

So I was very productive Christmas shopping online at work on Tuesday and Wednesday, and then yesterday my computer got a nasty virus, requiring me to take the day off.

So while my computer was being poked and prodded by the computer doctor, I was playing domestic diva, shopping for Christmas decorations, tidying up the house, and even shaving my legs!!

Oh, and Bondi and Homie and I picked out our very own Christmas tree!!! (This certainly beats last year, when Joe tried to pass off a Rosemary Bush as a Douglas Fir... Now, I'm no Martha Stewart, but when after dinner half our "Christmas Tree" was gone, I started to wonder...)

Once we got the tree into the house, though, the pups and I had to have a little discussion. I told them:

IF you lift your leg on mama's tree, 
you're getting COAL in your stockings.

Good talk.

Today, the pups were very sweet to me...They obviously must know it's my birthday (woohoo... more grey hairs) because they got me the BEST PRESENT EVER.


The gift of humiliation.

Oh, pups. You made my (birth)day!!!

Before I go back to refreshing my Facebook wall every 2 minutes to see if anyone else has left me a birthday message work, I want to leave you with something I heard on the radio this morning:

• 25% of women say their dog is a better listener than their spouse
• 13% of women would rather talk to their dog than their spouse

Thoughts? :-)

ceiling fans are the new crack!

This past weekend, when Joe and I were in Idaho for the notorious BSU game (more on that later), Homie made many friends. Among them, his most favorite was by far this ceiling fan.

The ceiling fan and Homie spent many special hours together.

As you can see, ceiling fan plays hard to get. 

And Homie longs for ceiling fan. 

Craves it... like CRACK.  

In all seriousness, this craziness had been going on for about 20 minutes before I finally got out my camera to document.

Please excuse my snorting on the video. 

I'm not proud of it. 

Or my neurotic dog.

Thinking it may be time to call in Cesar, because this most definitely is not "balanced" behavior.

UPDATE: I'm saved!

You know that horrible dilemma I was having earlier today?

Well don't you worry! I will not have a lidocained labia, after all!

I've been SAVED (from the horror or having to go buy tampons) by my amazing mom, *~*the tampon fairy*~*

Yes, the tampon fairy delivered a grocery store sized bag of tampons to her full grown daughter at work. Discretely, of course, lest anyone know said daughter had any need for such thing. 

(And yes, I recognize I'm talking about myself in the third person here. Cut me some slack... this is a touchy subject!)

Apparently mom has accepted that she no longer has any use for these felt really sorry for her 26 year old daughter who, according to some, "seriously need[s] to seek help regarding [her] reticence to purchase feminine products in (gasp!) a store!"

Yeah, I'll get right on that! Swearsies. 

But for now, it looks like I'll be good for the next year or so... and Joe's off the hook!

HELP: WebMD doesn't cover this...

I have a BIG PROBLEM.

My last two tampons are covered in Nyquil. See?

I mean, just a little bit of NyQuil...

It apparently leaked in my suitcase (which I still haven't unpacked from Orlando - for shame!) and spilled onto my last two tampons.

So... I just need to know if it's still safe to use them? Seriously... (kindove)

Because there is NOTHING worse than going to the store to buy just tampons. 

(Except that one time my ex came to visit me in Australia and he came down with a terrible case of diarrhea and implored me to go buy him Immodium and so I did and then my credit card was rejected. That may have been worse.)

I mean, I can handle buying tampons at Costco because there at least it's not like the cashier is sitting there thinking about how your bleeding out of your lady parts.

But a trip to the mini mart for tampons... I CAN'T DO IT.

If I can just make it through today with a little bit of NyQuil-laced coverage... (What's the worst that can happen???) I can make a detour to mom's to restock after work.

Thankfully, my mom hasn't yet come to the terms with the fact that she's going through menopause and still stocks her cupboards with tampons. So I just "shop" there when I must.

And then, tonight Joe and I can have a talk about progressing our relationship.

We already live together, have a dog together, and have a joint credit card. So, if we're not going to get engaged... I feel like the obvious next step is him buying me tampons. Right?

If he disagrees, I guess we'll be making a trip to Costco tonight!