on rugby boys and anorexia

Last night my friend Ash propositioned me with accompanying her to the Eastside Rugby player auction. Yes, you read that right... they actually were auctioning off players for "labor or lust" at FADO in seattle. Beefy hot boys, drinkies and prizes?? Twist my arm!

We walk in to see all these rugby players dressed up... some in tuxes, others in chaps! We grab one of the auction preview booklets and read up on how it works...

If you "win" the auction, you get "roughly 4 hours of their time"... Some suggestions they give:

• Help moving or yard work
• Designated driver for evening
• "Arm Candy" for an event
• You have no friends

So I thought that maybe I could get one of these MEN to help out with some of our new house's "issues" ...

SO I promptly texted Joe:

Me: Babe I'm at the lust and labor party... I'm gonna buy a rugby player :)
Joe: WHAT? NO ur not. I'll be right there...
Me: No baby he's gonna do labor... Remove the raccoons from the roof.. in his undies!!
Joe: Hope he has a job cause he's going to need to help you pay rent

Hmmphff. And I thought that was such a brilliant idea!

We got finagled into buying raffle tickets. $5 for an arm's length!! I must have really long arms because I WON!!!! Not once, not twice, but three times... "a ladyyyyy"

First time up I won a set of 6 wine glasses! SCORE... because Bondi is always breaking 'em when he's had too many. (Joe is always blaming the dog for his stinkies, so I figured.. ehem, well anyway...)

Second time up I won a bottle of wine with a bird on it. Seriously, that's what they called it. Whatevvs, I'll take it :-)

Third time up I'm feeling a little guilty that I keep winning?? Okay, I'm over it. Give me that Jameson shirt!!

Somewhere in the midst of all this, the rugby team auctions off this stick figure girl named "Ciara". I kid you not she was 5'9" and not a pound over 95. She was like Olsen twin intervention * Someone get this girl a cheeseburger * a bear hug'll break her * kind of skinny. And I am not just saying this because I'm one of those girls who hates on skinny girls. Legit, this girl had the fuzz growing on her arms... just sayin'...  NOT.SEXY.  


Apparently I was not the only person who felt this way, because they couldn't get the bidding above $45. Seriously... way to bruise the anorexic chick's ego.. she's probably not going to eat for a week now!

Ciara promptly disappeared off stage and I went to potty. I sit down to tinkle (damn, and I was so close to another post without mentioning pee/poo) and notice the girl next to me is quite an explosive pee-er (peer?). Like... PSSHH - PSSSSSSH... or maybe she has really bad diarrhea? (Eeew I hate that word). Don't judge me but I peeked under the stall and what did I see?? Oh yes, miss The chick's distinctive heels facing the toilet. She's anorexic AND a puker. Lovely.

The next couple minutes were followed by gagging sounds and more pukeyy noises. She was definitely making herself throw up. How do I know this??

1. It was only about 7pm - too early to be drunk and involuntarily puking... on a weeknight anyway
2. I went to DUKE.  Bulimia is to Duke as Herpes is to ASU.  Actually, that's not even accurate... only 1 in 4 peeps have STDs at ASU... the whole eating disorder thing is much more prominent than that at good ol' Duke. No joke. And this is a whole other post, but I digress..

Anywho, I felt a little awkward and debated waiting until she was finished to "confront" her. How would that go? Maybe give her a reference for a psychiatrist? But that didn't play out in my head so well...

She was taking her time in the stall (presumably waiting until I left) so I blurted out "You are wayyy to skinny to be making yourself throw up" and waited a few seconds... *Silence* So I walked out.

Now that I think about it, that didn't come out so right... like, if you weren't so skinny it would be just fine to make yourself puke? And this girl probably thinks she's a lardo. So ipso facto (or ergo facto? whatever...) she definitely can justify it all in her peach fuzz covered effed up little head.

Next time I think I'll just keep my mouth shut, and my eyes on the beefy hot rugby players and raffle ticket numbers prize.

UPDATE: Just to clarify, since some of you asked... Ciara was NOT a rugby player... (DUH!) She was one of the girls they auctioned off as 'lust' not labor..

wish i could give all my moola to sarvey!

Disclaimer: If you don't like wild animals or are a fan of Sarah Palin, you probably won't like this post. Actually, you probably won't like me either. Just saying...

I haven't played in a long while, but this week Miss Kelsey my amazing IRL friend who does her thing over at The Seattle Smiths used *my* idea for Wishful Wednesday.. so even though I'm a day late and a dollar short, here goes:

 

"I Wish" I had never ending funds 
to donate to Sarvey Wildlife

Sarvey Wildlife is a wildlife rehabilitation center that takes in injured or orphaned wildlife - from starlings to black bears and everything in between - and cares for them in hopes of ultimately being able to release them back into the wild. It is a small non-profit run exclusively on donations and the hard work of volunteers.

All images from www.sarveywildlife.org

I first learned about Sarvey when I was around 10 years old. My family was in a park when a baby Grey-Horned Owl fell out of a tree. It was going to be attacked by dogs so since it clearly couldn't fly, my mom grabbed a towel and scooped it up. Shortly thereafter the mama owl swooped down and put her talons in my mom's back so needless to say we hurried to the car with the big fluffy basketball baby owl. After several phone calls we made our way 90 minutes north to bring the baby to Sarvey. It was spring time and they were so slammed when we got there, a lady begged us all to help with the babies. What did they have us doing, you ask? Oh, just bottle feeding and "pottying" baby raccoons... a never ending supply of baby raccoons. We later learned the baby owl was released several months later in the same park, and well.. that was the beginning.

When I was in highschool I did my senior project up there, working full time as a volunteer "intern" for a month. Sarvey is a very special kind of place where, in just a few hours, you may be cleaning crow shit from a cage one minute, and hiding food for a bobcat the next. One of my most memorable experiences there happened late one night when it was just Sarvey's founder the late Kaye Baxter and me in the clinic. She was hurriedly working to hydrate and remove bullet fragments from a gorgeous golden eagle that had been shot (who does that?) when a baby deer came in that had been hit by a car. It had a huge gash on its head. The golden eagle obviously took priority, but Kaye told me to fix up the deer... Say Whaa?? I didn't even know where to start! Kaye was very calm (or totally out of her rocker!) and told me it was just like sewing a hem. Well nevermind that I didn't (don't) know how to do that either... I gave it my best effort. It was probably the best sewing I've ever done :-) I don't think that baby deer lived, but in that moment I was so... alive! Anywhooo...

Nowadays I don't have much money, but I still make time to go up to Sarvey to volunteer. Last year my brother turned 13 and started bugging me to bring him. The age minimum is 14 but we fudged a little bit on the volunteer form and now brother and I go up pretty much every week!!! He keeps me company on the long drive and is becoming quite the little caretaker! I love spending time with him working up there, and we have had some amazing, some hilarious, and some not so funny experiences.

• Towel drying river otter pups... they are just like puppies, and you haven't lived until you have seen what otter pups do with a towel!!!
• Surprises when "pottying" baby raccoons. I will just say this: PROJECTILE.
• The time I held the hawk while Gabe tube fed it and somehow the food missed the hawk's throat and went directly into my eyeball.... Not fun.
• Chasing the escape artist squirrels all over the clinic.... It's a fun little game!
• Sneaking a peak at the "off limits" black bear cubs... they couldn't see us, so it was ok :-)
• Chopping up frozen rats... not pleasant!
• Bottle feeding wobbly baby deer... precious!

Gabe and a *fat* river otter pup after bathtime

Gabe's first time 'catching' a bald eagle for meds

So if I am MIA from blogging Wednesday evenings, it's because I'm probably being pooped on by a baby raccoon, sorting through frozen rats to feed the raptors, or maybe stitching up a deer's head!

Disclaimer: They are much more professional now than a decade ago, and they would never just be like.. go sew that deer. But truly, it happened!!

If you can't tell, I'm a major animal lover... and like I said I don't have much money, but I do donate (not my time but my beer fund) to a few other awesome charities as well:

Conservation International
World Wildlife Fund
National Resources Defense Council
American Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals

and my favorite...

Defenders of Wildlife
because Sarah Palin and her aerial wolf hunting can go to Hell makes me want to vomit.

The only downside of these $10 here $20 there donations? They put you on massive mailing lists and now I get junk mail from every NPO from here to Timbuktu... and address labels. I have a lot of address labels :-)

i've been busy: part 2

So in my last hodgepodge post I left you with adventures at Schweitzer, and threw in some V-Day tights cause I knew Miss Summer would approve! Well I have lots more to share, so let's just rewind almost two months to Joe's Birthday Weekend in... you guessed it... Land of the Tater.

He's an Idaho boy through and through, that's for sure. Anywhoodles.. we like to celebrate birthdays (duh, who doesn't?) so we planned a weekend trip that involved festivities at the Coeur d'Alene resort, gallivanting in Sandpoint, and fabulous skiing in Schweitzer.

FRIDAY NIGHT

Joe's folks had a suite at the Coeur d'Alene resort Friday night, so we kinda sorta crashed their party. They loved it though :-)

~a few of us girlies~

~joe's folks and us~

~yup... give me some champagne and i'll give you a handstand~

~channeling my 14 year old gymnast~

~all together now... with the security officer mwahaha~

~take 2: he musta really wanted this pic b/c he asked to be our friend on facebook!~

~the silliness continues. birthday boy channeling his inner ninja, i think~

~obligatory bull statue photo op~

~admittedly aggressive~

~birthday boy in the loo. LOVE this pic! hehe~

SATURDAY

Joe rallied the troops at the butt crack of dawn to head up to Schweitzer for a day of skiing. I am NOT a morning person, especially when I've had too much to drinky (who is?) ... but I am proud to say I kept the bitching to a minimum, since Saturday was Joe's birthday and all. Schweitzer is about a 45 min drive from CDA, and after a ridiculous stop at Burger King with the most inept employees I have ever encountered, we were on our way.  

~bondi and i were in the same boat. yawns all around!!!~

~joe's bud is a 'lifty' at schweitzer.. they like to keep things entertaining~

Somehow I didn't take any more pics on the mountain Saturday, but it was an amazing day of skiing. However, some of our friends made me look like Lindsey Vonn had a hard time keeping up.. and I am not Miss Patience. However, I wouldn't have felt right about inviting them on a "ski trip" and then ditching them, so yeah. That sucked ass was mildly annoying. Anywayy....

SATURDAY NIGHT

We got a little hotel in Sandpoint and enjoyed the pool and hot-tub. Joe's folks came up and met us for dinner, and then we went out on the town. There are approximately two bars in 4 square blocks so we weren't exactly overwhelmed with options. It was a great time though... as we found a lil hole in the wall with SHUFFLEBOARD and Joe and I dominated. Yeah, I'm a big fan of winning.

~view from our $75/night hotel!~

~joe's folks and the birthday boy at dinner~

~shuffleboard!!!~

~more silliness~

~LAST pic of the night... can you tell?~

SUNDAY

On Sunday I insisted that Joe and I rent snowboards so that we wouldn't want to stab ourselves in the face all day waiting for the slowpokes could improve our snowboarding skillz... ya, well that backfired!! I have snowboarded just a handful of times and am okay, mainly cause I can wakeboard, but definitely not great by any standard. Everything was great at first, since we could all stay together without anyone feeling rushed or bored. But there's this whole edge thing on the snowboard that really didn't work out so well after I got a little cocky and started going fast... and yeah, I'm glad I was wearing a helmet because I got a *bad-ass* concussion. As in, I FELL like a slingshot onto my head and that was the last run of the day for me. Good times.

~beautiful day!~

~me and mine, on our boards~

~beer break~

Alright, that's all I got! Happy Tuesday, and check out Miss Kelsey's Wishful Wednesday this week... I may have contributed :-)

how rude!

Forgot to mention in today's random post in which i do not speak of pee or poo..., before I went to New Orleans for the Ace show I HAD to get a hair cut... it had been over six months and was getting gross-long.

Like Ashley, I'm very attached to my long hair and I really hate getting it cut. But... I hate spending money getting my hair cut even more... probably because it's so simple even my tipsy mom in Cabo a monkey could do it...

So the day before we left for the show I went to Great Clips on my lunch break. Classy, I know... I sit down and tell her I want only the ends trimmed. I always say this so that when they cut 2" I don't freak out, because you know when you say 2" it ends up being 5"... maybe it's a language issue? I don't know, but it's frickin' annoying.

Anywhoodles, no sooner do I sit down then the asian lady about to butcher my hair goes:

"OOOhhh, you have white HEH" (I'm pretty sure she was trying to say I have GRAY HAIRS... but "gray" must be a tough word to say?)

"Really b*tch? I wasn't aware."

No, I didn't say that... I said... "NO TIP FOW YOU"

That's a lie. Didn't say that either... really wanted to though... Seriously, who does that!

In the words of Stephanie Tanner, "HOW RUDE!"

Speaking of rude, did anyone watch Grey's Anatomy last night? You know, the episode in which Alex Karev's brother comes into town and needs his umbilical hernia repaired? Well I have an umbilical hernia. A couple years ago I felt something rip playing softball... and yeah, it wasn't fun. It is not and never has been as bad as this:

image source.

In fact, it's barely noticable... See it in the picture below?

However, they never go away on their own and it's possible it will just get worse.

Basically, I eventually have to have surgery on it. I'm no stranger to surgery - I'm at 5 and counting - but I am really not looking forward to this one because (1) I can't find a doctor who will agree to do it laproscopically, in other words I will have a big ol' scar on my tummy, and (2) it means no physical activity for a month. Anyway, so I'm in procrastination mode on that one.

But how did this come up? Oh yes, I was speaking of rude.

So my grandpa (you know, the one from TMI Thursday the other week?) is a retired doctor. I asked him what caused the hernia and if there was anything I could do to make it go away.

He told me... well it's probably because you're fat and it might go away if you lose weight.

Pmmf... Whatever he's senile and almost deaf, and now I'm thinking he may be going blind too :-)

But seriously, thanks Grandpa! I know you were never the King of Kindness or anything, but truly, your medical advice is very much appreciated. I'll get right on that...

in which i do not talk about pee, poo or toilets...

MCW says all my posts lately have been about poop and pee and other gross stuff. Well no more of that shit stuff, I promise! I WILL NOT speak of such disgusting things in this post.. seriously. But I got lots of other stuff to say, so here goes...

Joe and I recently moved to a new house... not the one with the creepy sex offender neighbor. This place has a big ol' front yard for Mister Bondi, wood floors, a fireplace. Good times. We managed to convince the landlord that no non-refundable pet deposit (aka pay $500 to have a dog) was unnecessary since Bondi is so well behaved. Well it was a little awkward when we pulled up to the house to unload our first truck of stuff and Bondi hopped out right.in.front.of.landlord and ran to the first pile of dog poo and covered himself in it.

... oopsies I already mentioned poo, but I mean.. "dog poo" is NOT as bad as people poo, so whatevs.... sorry. won't do it again. anywhoodles...

Moving is a bitch... and we have still yet to unpack everything. Our second bedroom now is the designated room o' crap we are too lazy to haven't had time to put away. Can you find the puppy?

Joe and Bondi are quite comfortable in the new place. Can you tell they like each other?

So as I was saying, the new place is great. Big front yard, fenced side yard for the dogs - did I say dogs? I meant dog.. really, we're not getting another dog... truly - and lots more space.

Well it's not all sparkles and unicorns... as we quickly learned that we are not alone in the house. I should've been suspicious when the bird feeder I put out the first night we moved in was almost empty the next morning... and we had seen nary a starling. Well, on night two I woke up sometime around 3:00am to the sounds of gnawing and scurrying.

Joe... do you hear that?

<<mumble grumble>> Hear what? Go back to sleep!

THAT. <<chomp.chomp.pitter patter pitter patter. chomp. chomp. chomp>>

Oh yes, we have company... rodent company. As in, we have rats in the walls. More on that later, but I will say nothing turns me on more than the sound of scurrying rats when I'm in bed.

We also have one of these that does his thing from approximately 6am-9am right outside our bedroom window.

Such a noisy fucker beautiful bird!

I was off to New Orleans... just a few days after we moved in. I work for the family company which involves several times a year going to hardware tradeshows.

There are lots of perks to working for the family biz. Namely, I get to make my own hours and bring Mister Bondi to work with me. (Warning: here comes the sap). Perhaps the best part, though, is being able to spend so much time with my family. My parents work their freakin' asses off for this company, and they rarely take vacations. (Their 2-night getaway to Schweitzer with Joe and I was a huge deal for them...) So, going to tradeshows sometimes turns into a mini family vacation.

Usually my dad and I (along with another sales rep) go to most of the shows together, and just in the past year or so we've been to a hockey game in Atlanta, done the New York New York rollercoaster and learned to play craps in Vegas, and most recently frequented amazing jazz clubs on Bourbon Street. We saw this 500 lb dude sing his heart out one night last week.

 I desperately wanted to tell him to go on Biggest Loser, but I refrained myself. *good girl*

One of the best nights in NOLA went to the Ace Mardis Gras "Party with a Purpose" - it was a charity event with dinner, OPEN BAR, and live entertainment. At one point the host asked for several girls to join him on stage to help out with a Tina Turner number. My dad (seriously, I swear he did) insisted that I do it... I wasn't so sure, as I had only had one adult beverage and the thought of humiliating myself standing up on stage in front of 3,000 people, most of whom were prospects or existing accounts, did not sound like a fun time.

Somehow I was coerced into doing this though... and what I thought was going to be some sort of "Rolling on the River" sing-a-long turned into a full on Girls-Gone-Wild style dance competition including a very older woman who pulled her thong out of her pants. WTF??

I behaved though. Really. The wildest I got was swinging my Mardis Gras beads over my head and throwing them into the crowd. Too bad so sad most hardware folk are technologically challenged, otherwise I would be sharing a YouTube video of my ridiculously horrid dance performance. These pics from my dads phone will have to suffice.

You get the idea. Anyway...

It was good to come home. Bondi is a total mess when I'm gone... like OCD to the nth degree. He is already a ridiculously neurotic pup... (click thru "neurotic pup" to see him hiding in the tub!) and when his routine changes he goes a little bonkers. When I leave him at my mom's that usually involves him repeatedly locking himself in the storage closet downstairs... for reals. And this last time, he decided to bite all the hair off his bum.

It's slowly healing, but we may have to break out the cone if he doesn't knock.it.off.

Since it's Friday... I'll leave y'all with this precious pic of my pup from last night.

*no words*

Hoping to be back to my regularly scheduled musings, funnies and other garbage next week...