xmas eve part I: bible reading and how i got shafted by uncle #3

Christmas traditions. Every family has them, right? Well in our family, we do Christmas Eve at my dad's parents house. Among the various personalities present, the two most important:

The Matriarch - Amazing woman, Commander of Crosswords who sings loudly and often, generous to a fault and in her old age becoming a tad forgetful... as in, she bought my then 13-year-old brother a LEGO set for Christmas last year.

The Patriarch - 90 something formerly prestigious Doctor, now selectively deaf UBER religious grandpa who I'm pretty sure believes we are all going to HELL because we don't go to the Catholic church where women wear doilies on their heads (or any church, really, but I digress).

Well grandpa always insists on Bible Reading before presents, which is fine. It probably would be less fine if he could hear the intonation and improvisation that goes on...

Like Uncle #1 (Organic farmer - loud when drunk, but aren't we all?) who surmised ... after skipping from the birth of the Lord to the circumcision chapter... that after the SNIP the son of God was named "Oh Jesus"....

Or my Aunt #1, Cousin #1 and #2, and Uncle #2 who all said PASS when the Book came to them, like roll-call for a bunch of ADD toddlers.

Or like my Mother (well she is my mother, so I will leave these parentheses devoid of criticism) who insisted on taking her reading very seriously... commanding everyone's attention and stopping with an 'ehem' at any distractions that then set everyone into giggles.

Okay, I am not doing this any justice. Maybe this picture helps?

No? You can come see for yourself next year. I promise you will be very entertained, or very offended. One or the other.

After the Bible Reading comes the Presents. In the past, we all used to get everyone Christmas gifts, but a few years back Aunt #1 decided we should do a gift exchange instead. Frankly, this idea was quite alright by me.

Really, receiving a gift certificate to a steakhouse as a vegetarian is one thing, but realizing it is expired... now that's the kind of joy I think people mean when they talk about feeling the Christmas love. Seriously, that happened once. And Hello Kitty happened too. And socks. Lots of socks.

So anyway, the gift exhange was really a good switch... and with everyone buying only one gift, things have been much better. We have a $100 limit which means - in my book - you should spend about that. Yes, "limit" implies do not go over but you don't want to go too far under either, right?

For example, I got my twenty-something cousin by marriage a $75 gift card and this amazing beer shampoo and conditioner:

(Side note: This stuff is THE Best. It's called Duffy's Brew and it's home made by friends of ours and it smells better than anything you've ever used on your hair and basically it's unicorn sparkle amazingness. But better.)

Anyway, I feel that for someone I don't know well, that is a great gift. Something that I really like... and something useful for him. And most everyone else in the family shockingly did really well with presents this year too.

Well, I'm just going to come out and say it.

I got shafted. 

Not that it really matters, because I am sooo spoiled and lucky and I have a onesie so whatever... but I got shafted. By my uncle... Uncle #3... the one who didn't come to family Christmas because he thinks everyone hates him (and some of us do) because he is trying to take all of my grandparent's money before they die. 

You know, I could excuse this if he were, oh I dunno, really poor or something. But he's not. He's just greedy and bitter.

(This might all be oversharing because we're "friends" on Facebook and there is a good chance he will read this... or I could follow in my mother's footsteps and defriend him... decisions... decisions...)

Oh, so you want to know what I got?

A paperback book.

The Art of Racing in the Rain.

Great book, actually. Just read it. Now I have two copies.

Do you know what's great about giving someone a paperbook book as a gift?

Absolutely nothing.

Okay, well maybe it would be a nice gesture from a friend, ya know, just because. But NOT for a Christmas gift in a $100 gift exchange.

I'm sorry, my puppy Homie gives better gifts than that... like every poop that is not inside.

(Sidenote: I just decided I will be including this copy in my UPCOMING GIVEAWAY... YES I'm having a giveaway, because I have over 100 followers now and that's what you do when you have over 100 followers. And I promise to include better Christmas leftovers than bitter uncle book... like unused giftcards. So stay tuned...)

Well after I opened my gift (the book), my dad just laughed and said:

"Shit rolls down the hill, Jenny. Shit rolls down the hill."

I'm not really sure how that applies, but did I mention I love my dad?

Oh, and I love my dog Bondi too. Even though he's like Uncle #3 bitter to be wearing a Christmas hat...

So anyway, Uncle #3, if you're reading this, you suck at Christmas. And sometimes at life. You should probably grow up and get a job. I hear they pay maybe even better than my grandparents' savings account. And maybe you didn't need to buy that vacation home or the new motorcycle... Just saying.

Phewww, I feel much better.

Coming up next, (1) why Christmas Eve this year was hilarious - there will be a video! and (2)introducing technology (ehem: IPAD/Facebook) to the Commander of Crosswords... the Matriarch... my Grandma :-) 

merry christmas and happy new year!

The holidays get a little nutty around here, and I have lots of funnies to share.

Like how at my Grandparents' house on Christmas Eve we all gathered to read the birth story of Christ, and my uncle kept reading beyond the whole manger scene to circumcision story... specifically, he explained that when the penis was snipped the baby was named... "Oh Jesus." 

Or like how at my work Christmas party, my sister asked my coworker's (15 year junior) girlfriend if her "Daddy" was a good Santa Claus. In her defense, it was an honest mistake ;-)

But for now, I'll leave you with the holiday cards we scored from Shutterfly!

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

GO NUTS!

It's been over three weeks since my mom's big 50th birthday party I planned... you know, the one I was going nuts over!

Like I said, I have a new found respect for all of you ladies who have planned your own weddings. Invites, guest list, caterer, tents, heaters, food prep, bar prep, balloons, band, bartenders, kegs, decorations, cake, entertainment... it was almost more than this girl can handle!
 
Just about now, I can finally relax and share the sparkle unicorn awesomeness of the celebration with y'all.

Well I have to say, it went off without a hitch... unless you count the creepy old neighbor who wouldn't stop talking about his "little pecker" and his ex-wife's "stinky pu$$y" in front of my 5th grade teacher (so embarrassing) and me. But I digress...

One of the very last things I arranged for the party was the birthday cake. I did not want it to be BORING, but I was struggling with ideas.

If I lived in New York I would've just called on Miss Summer to come up with something, since *super awesome* is like standard for her cakes. A girl can dream...

So I thought of the Erotic Bakery in Seattle... you know the type of place where bridesmaids and bachelors galore flock to procure tasty desserts flaunting boobies and penises (penii?). However, call me crazy but I didn't think their "big black cock" special would be appropriate for the fifty plus crowd.

When I ran the erotic bakery idea by my dad, he agreed. "Not kosher". But he thought maybe they could do something else funny. Of course he was mum when it came to actually helping in that department.

So I got to brainstorming... and I thought about my mom and her squirrels:

And then I remembered a funny picture I had seen awhile back online:

And then it came to me!!!! A squirrel with NUTS!

Not too tacky... not like a porn-star penis or an old lady vagina... but a cartoon squirrel with large testicles.

I have to say, the girls at the erotic bakery were amazing. They knew just want I wanted. Well pretty much. They didn't know if I wanted a penis on the squirrel... probably because I was unable to answer that question. I hemmed and hawed over this dilemma for a good three minutes.

Penis? No penis? Penis? No penis?

Finally settled on a little penis. Good compromise.

Feeling pretty confident about my decision, I called up my dad and reported to him on the details of the cake. He was not happy, so I had to call up the girls at the shop and instruct them to ix-nay the penis-ay on the squirrel.

She says, "Roger that. No penis. Just large balls."

Well, here is the lovechild of my brain nuggets:

Amazing, no?

Funny story... my mom definitely asked where the penis was. Go figure!

The rest of the party was pretty fabulous also... I mean, besides the cake. My good buddy Jesse was working magic behind a full open bar, and thanks to the fabulous finger foods by Lynn's Bistro, almost everyone was able to keep it together, dancing to the Beatniks and singing karaoke until the early morning hours.

I mean, for a bunch of old fogies, I think my folks and co know how to party!

in which i do not talk about pee, poo or toilets...

MCW says all my posts lately have been about poop and pee and other gross stuff. Well no more of that shit stuff, I promise! I WILL NOT speak of such disgusting things in this post.. seriously. But I got lots of other stuff to say, so here goes...

Joe and I recently moved to a new house... not the one with the creepy sex offender neighbor. This place has a big ol' front yard for Mister Bondi, wood floors, a fireplace. Good times. We managed to convince the landlord that no non-refundable pet deposit (aka pay $500 to have a dog) was unnecessary since Bondi is so well behaved. Well it was a little awkward when we pulled up to the house to unload our first truck of stuff and Bondi hopped out right.in.front.of.landlord and ran to the first pile of dog poo and covered himself in it.

... oopsies I already mentioned poo, but I mean.. "dog poo" is NOT as bad as people poo, so whatevs.... sorry. won't do it again. anywhoodles...

Moving is a bitch... and we have still yet to unpack everything. Our second bedroom now is the designated room o' crap we are too lazy to haven't had time to put away. Can you find the puppy?

Joe and Bondi are quite comfortable in the new place. Can you tell they like each other?

So as I was saying, the new place is great. Big front yard, fenced side yard for the dogs - did I say dogs? I meant dog.. really, we're not getting another dog... truly - and lots more space.

Well it's not all sparkles and unicorns... as we quickly learned that we are not alone in the house. I should've been suspicious when the bird feeder I put out the first night we moved in was almost empty the next morning... and we had seen nary a starling. Well, on night two I woke up sometime around 3:00am to the sounds of gnawing and scurrying.

Joe... do you hear that?

<<mumble grumble>> Hear what? Go back to sleep!

THAT. <<chomp.chomp.pitter patter pitter patter. chomp. chomp. chomp>>

Oh yes, we have company... rodent company. As in, we have rats in the walls. More on that later, but I will say nothing turns me on more than the sound of scurrying rats when I'm in bed.

We also have one of these that does his thing from approximately 6am-9am right outside our bedroom window.

Such a noisy fucker beautiful bird!

I was off to New Orleans... just a few days after we moved in. I work for the family company which involves several times a year going to hardware tradeshows.

There are lots of perks to working for the family biz. Namely, I get to make my own hours and bring Mister Bondi to work with me. (Warning: here comes the sap). Perhaps the best part, though, is being able to spend so much time with my family. My parents work their freakin' asses off for this company, and they rarely take vacations. (Their 2-night getaway to Schweitzer with Joe and I was a huge deal for them...) So, going to tradeshows sometimes turns into a mini family vacation.

Usually my dad and I (along with another sales rep) go to most of the shows together, and just in the past year or so we've been to a hockey game in Atlanta, done the New York New York rollercoaster and learned to play craps in Vegas, and most recently frequented amazing jazz clubs on Bourbon Street. We saw this 500 lb dude sing his heart out one night last week.

 I desperately wanted to tell him to go on Biggest Loser, but I refrained myself. *good girl*

One of the best nights in NOLA went to the Ace Mardis Gras "Party with a Purpose" - it was a charity event with dinner, OPEN BAR, and live entertainment. At one point the host asked for several girls to join him on stage to help out with a Tina Turner number. My dad (seriously, I swear he did) insisted that I do it... I wasn't so sure, as I had only had one adult beverage and the thought of humiliating myself standing up on stage in front of 3,000 people, most of whom were prospects or existing accounts, did not sound like a fun time.

Somehow I was coerced into doing this though... and what I thought was going to be some sort of "Rolling on the River" sing-a-long turned into a full on Girls-Gone-Wild style dance competition including a very older woman who pulled her thong out of her pants. WTF??

I behaved though. Really. The wildest I got was swinging my Mardis Gras beads over my head and throwing them into the crowd. Too bad so sad most hardware folk are technologically challenged, otherwise I would be sharing a YouTube video of my ridiculously horrid dance performance. These pics from my dads phone will have to suffice.

You get the idea. Anyway...

It was good to come home. Bondi is a total mess when I'm gone... like OCD to the nth degree. He is already a ridiculously neurotic pup... (click thru "neurotic pup" to see him hiding in the tub!) and when his routine changes he goes a little bonkers. When I leave him at my mom's that usually involves him repeatedly locking himself in the storage closet downstairs... for reals. And this last time, he decided to bite all the hair off his bum.

It's slowly healing, but we may have to break out the cone if he doesn't knock.it.off.

Since it's Friday... I'll leave y'all with this precious pic of my pup from last night.

*no words*

Hoping to be back to my regularly scheduled musings, funnies and other garbage next week...

i've been busy: part 1

it's so exhausting keepin y'all entertained with my funnies from san francisco... but i just don't have the energy for any funnies today, or i'm guilty of being #85 uncreative bitch.

(btw if you haven't seen this "types of bitches" list in full, check it out here. you won't be disappointed.)

anywho.. so i've been really busy these last couple months. most recently, we moved!! and haven't been so great about sharing my day to days and weekends. so today, i will do it.. well part of it anyway..

back in january (yes, I know... that long ago... for shame!) we took a trip to schweitzer and invited my family minus the sister along. (paybacks a bitch). sooo it was joe and i, my dog bondi, my folks and gabe, and their two dogs sophie and tanner. let's just say it was a packed little cabin.

here's joe with the 3 dogs. 

the skiing was incredible.

joe and gabe got into. i won't say who won :-)

we played scrabble and yahtzee.

my mom is the worst scrabble cheater ever. literally she was hiding tiles everywhere, sneaking peeks in the dictionary, etc. not cool!

 i still won though. i'm that good.

mister tanner loved the snow but his golden doodle coat just wasn't having it...

so he needed to be robed like a person, obviously.

hmmm i've got lots more pics and i'm still in january. moving on to february....

here's joe and i on valentine's day. we ate at sazerac. it was delicious.

we went for drinkys after...

here's a shot of my tights i was wearing. i think i'm a fan. thoughts?

a v-day kiss for good measure.

well that brings me up to feb 14. and now i'm off to crossfit to start the weekend... more on feb-march later!

oh, brother.

Well, heRRo!!

Bloggy world, meet my family. Minus my sister. Plus Joe.

Please excuse my holey dress.. I really don't know what I was thinking. Anywayy, on the right is my awesome little brother. Officially a teenager now, but still cool. It's amazing.

SIDENOTE: There are 12 years between my sister and I, and my lil bro. People tend to ask if he was a "mistake". Nope, negativo. Apparently my sister and I were.. but Gabe.. he was planned. In fact, I distinctly remember my mom giving my dad her IUD in a ring box for Christmas one year. Special :-) But I digress...

So Gabe's a cool kid. My sister and I take full some responsibility for this (mom- if you're reading.. I kid!) because, well, what 13 year old doesn't like to hang out with his awesome older sisters?

And so I try to "hang out" with Gabe as often as possible.. and in the winter that often means heading to the slopes.

Well, it's officially winter now. We have a season passes to Snoqualmie/Alpental - a pretty decent mountain about an hour from Seattle - and have yet to go. Shame on me!

I kinda sorta planted this seed in my brother's head that I was going to take him up night skiing slash snowboarding with Joe and I this week, and it kinda sorta hasn't happened yet. And it's Thursday.

Monday - 7" of new snow but Joe and I were exhausted from the holiday weekend. Gabe, not so much. But what are ya gonna do?
Tuesday - it rained. Me no likey rain.
Wednesday - more rain. 'Nuff said.

Today... brother texts me.

"Is today snowboarding"
"Sure if you want. Currently 21* and hard ice pack. Better than rain."
"Do you want to or are u being sarcastic"
(Brother apparently knows me well, or else 13 year olds 'get' sarcasm)
"No I'm not being sarcastic, icy is excellent! Better than rain anyway. I just wish it would freakin snow already haha"
"Alright :-) ill go if u want"
(Don't twist his arm, right?)
"Okayy then joe and I will leave when he gets off work at 5... pick u up @545 and be up there by 630 or so. It'll be cold so remember dress warm"
(Brother checks weather report - see below - online)
"K but also sunburning conditions!!"
"WTF Gabe... nightskiing. Really??"

Oh, brother!!

Too harsh? :-) Anywayyyy... so I guess we're going skiing, or I should say.. slip slidin' away.. tonight.

Looking forward to it. Seriously. No, really. I am.

wishful wednesday - bleh

Sorry. I'm incredbly annoyed and upset and possibly tipsy right now... and you know what??? It's not even Wendesday anymore. So here's my effing WISHFUL WEDESNEDAY *("WISHFUL"  looks wrong?? did I spell it right?? or is it just one of those words that looks wrong sometimes?)

anyway... ugggh. here it is.

Best holiday I can remember, besides the obvious that Kelsey already did, is Thanksgiving in Cabo. It was my mom and dad and my sis and my lil bro and I.

My sis and I are older and only 15 months apart. My lil' bro is only 13 now, and everyone always asks us if he was a mistake. The funny thing is me and my sister were apparenly both 'mistakes'... however; I distinctly remember my mom giving her IUD to my dad in a ring box about, umm... 14 years back or so. My dad wanted a boy. My mom was 36. She gave him her IUD for X-MAS.

So he was the only planned one. Anywayyy... back to Cabo Thanksgiving. No more words. Here's some pics:

We found a Christmas tree in our hotel.

My dad and my lil bro.

They made my sis and I take

walkie-talkies out cuz its MEXICO...

My lil bro and mi mama!

Our whole family, pre-Thanksgiving dinner.
Gbae is anti-sressing up :-)

Oh 12-year olds hehe

On the van ride ride to dinner!

In a golf cart. The whole fam!!

Kenzie introduce me to the BEST.BOOK.EVER.

Why Men Marry Bitches.

They have Corn Pops in Mexico :-)

Looks like CHRISTMAS!!!

Apparently I'm not happy.

It was cold.

It's a teepee.
Thanksgiving theme?