NEED advice for this girl I know...

So there's this girl I know who has been with her boyfriend for almost three years. They've lived together for a couple years, have furbabies together, and talk about a future together. They have a good relationship. There are ups and downs, of course, but at the end of the day, they share common interests and have a strong physical and emotional connection. They love each other.

And then, the other night her boyfriend went to a bachelor party and had too much to drink and apparently let a girl sit on his lap and kissed her (or "she kissed him") not once, not twice, but three times. When he came home that night, she naturally asked him how the evening was. He said it was a blast, describing where they had gone but not really what they had done. He awkwardly mentioned some girls and some flirting. Minutes went by and then she asked him, on a gut instinct, if he kissed any of these girls. He said yes.

That night while still drunk, her boyfriend said the girls were kissing "all the guys" and it "wasn't a big deal" ... but it was a very big deal for her. She felt betrayed by her boyfriend, who she had never imagined was even capable of such transgressions. (I have even heard her say, many times, "He would never cheat on me" and she believed it wholeheartedly.)

And to make matters worse she also felt horribly embarassed, because "all the guys" at this bachelor party were her friends too, and they had witnessed her boyfriend drunk and kissing on/being kissed by some girl that wasn't her.

And then it came out that it wasn't really "all the guys"... it was pretty much just him, and maybe one or two other (single) guys.

When morning came, her boyfriend felt absolutely awful and apologized profusely for his horrible lapse in judgement. He said he was a "real dick" and felt terrible for hurting her. He realized being drunk was no excuse, and couldn't really say why he had let that happen, but only that he wished it hadn't. He promised it would never happen again and was willing to do "whatever it takes" to make it right.

But now, the girlfriend doesn't know if it ever can be right.

One the one hand, she has made similar mistakes in the past - maybe not quite so egregious, but mistakes nevertheless that her boyfriend forgave. He has never done anything like this before... and it was just a kiss. Or three.

On the other hand, she feels hurt, devastated, betrayed, and sick to her stomach every time she thinks about it. How will she ever be able to trust him again?

If you were this girl, what would you do? (If you need any more details to render an opinion, I'm sure I can ask her...)

FML

F: FLAT TIRE
I finished my CrossFit workout the other night, all excited to meet a girlfriend for a beer, and discovered this:

Deja vu much? Promptly called the boyfriend, who wasn't too eager to be my knight in shining armor, so I called AAA.

Who needs a boyfriend when you have AAA anyway, right?

Truthfully, my dad would be so ashamed that I did not change my own tire, but I could not for the life of me find the tire iron. It was probably somewhere under the overflowing pile of shit occupying my trunk.

M: MY AILMENTS
On pull-up 79 out of 80 in the above referenced CrossFit WOD, my hand ripped. Just like in the good ol' days of gymnastics.

Now washing my hair stings like a bitch.

Also, my vision. I realized the other night while trying to read the bar menu on a blackboard about 10 feet from me that I'm going blind. I need glasses... badly. This makes me feel really old.

L: (A)LLERGIES
I realize everyone is all on the *I LOVE SPRING* bandwagon. Blah blah blah. I freaking hate Spring.

Can we please just skip to Summer so I can breathe? Or walk outside without lactating from the eyeballs? MMkay? Thanks.

Not to be a Negative Nancy or anything but that's my life right meow.

However, seeing as tomorrow is Friday... (things are looking up?) I'll leave you with this:

Or if sparkle unicorns aren't your thing, there's always these guys:

They're pretty rad too.

And the WINNER is.... (and the LOSER is... ME!)

The winner of my very first giveaway is.......

...Shasta Anne!

And in case you're wondering why it took my five.stinking.days to post this, it's because I'm a big LOSER.

At life.

See, this past weekend we celebrated Joe's 30th Birthday at a vacation house we rented in Sandpoint, Idaho.

Beautiful place on the lake. The company of great friends and family. Confetti birthday cake and a keg of Coors Light. Fresh powder and blue bird skiing at Schweitzer.

... and a very unsanitary hot tub.

Or at least that's what I learned from eMedicine when I researched all the itchy red bumps developing in my bathing suit areas on Monday.

It started looking like this:

A trip to the doctor confirmed a bacterial skin infection caused by Pseudonomas aeruginosa.

Guess where that bacteria hangs out? In dirty hot tubs.... like the one I spent 30 minutes soaking in every night this past weekend after a long day on the slopes.

Basically, dead skin particles fester in poorly treated hot water and it's a breeding ground for nastiness. Lovely, right?

So what do I get to take home from this weekend besides good memories?

That would be the worst case of BACNE (and sidene, and crotchne, and boobne) that you've ever seen:

Don't worry. I won't share with you the images from today. Just trust me. They're a lot worse and pretty disgusting... and I don't want to lose any followers.

Joe was "affected" too. His 5 minute one-night stint in the hot tub left him with this red bump on his armpit:

*tear*

I only took the picture above as evidence that I'm not the only loser with this "hot tub rash" in case I decide to sue these assholes for neglecting to use, oh I dunno, CHLORINE, and the subsequent loss of sanity I have experienced (not to mention the fever, fatigue, days off work, did I mention butt crack sores?).

Not because Joe's armpit bump is a big deal.

In fact, Joe's not allowed to talk his armpit bump.

Or I scream. And lift up my shirt and stamp my feet.

Joe is, however, allowed to feel very sorry for me, and he also is allowed to help apply Emu Blue Gunk to my pimple boobies.

I know, right? What a lucky guy!

Well, I hope everyone has a fabulous weekend. If you need me, I'll be sitting on my hands whilst praying for some Xanax to magically appear so I don't claw my skin off. Cheers!

regifting: my first {giveaway}

{So Say} I am having my Very First Giveaway!!!

I was a very lucky girl for Christmas this year, and besides my onesie I got some awesome presents and I have some leftovers that I am going to REGIFT.

Now before you go leaving my giveaway already at the sight of that "R" word, I should say that unlike my extended family, I do not regift expired restaurant gift cards, Hello Kitty socks, or the like.

I promise, it's good!

This giveaway includes a $20ish gift card to H&M and a $25ish gift card to lululemon athletica.

With $20 at H&M you can practically buy a whole new wardrobe! And at lululemon you can find workout pants guaranteed to make your ass look fabulous, though to be fair with $25 you may be able to buy a scrunchie. Just saying.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!
 
Since I feel a teensy weensy bit guilty about not specifically 'getting' anything for my giveaway, I'm also including something extra special.

It's Made in Seattle.
It's Made in Seattle by friends of ours... friends who are expecting their first baby TODAY!
It's our most favorite Shampoo and Conditioner.

It's Duffy's Brew Beer Shampoo and Conditioner!

From the Duffy's Brew website:

Duffy’s Brew Original Beer Shampoo and Conditioner use the nourishing benefits from Elysian Brewing Company’s Dragonstooth Stout to strengthen and revitalize your hair and scalp. The bitter Cascade & Centennial hops, roasted barley, and rich chocolate malt found in this beer provide a restorative coat of vitamin B, proteins, and minerals to each strand, adding volume and body to your hair.

But that doesn't matter. All you need to know is that Duffy's Brew is the best thing since sliced bread. It smells incredible and it does wonders for your hair. You will be in love. And you will be supporting some awesome people and a local Seattle brewery to boot!

So that's it.  My first {giveaway} includes:

♥ $20 H&M giftcard
♥ $25 lululemon gift card
♥ Duffy's Brew Shampoo
♥ Duffy's Brew Conditioner

Here's how you can WIN:

1. Follow my blog or let me know you're a follower and leave me a comment letting me know which of my Misters featured on the right sidebar is the cutest... there is no wrong answer :-)
2. Follow me on Twitter (which I really never use for anything but giveaway entries) @Jenny_DB 
3. Follow Duffy's Brew on Twitter @DuffysBrew
4. Tweet about this giveaway and tag @DuffysBrew and @Jenny_DB
5. Blog about this giveaway and leave me the link (5 entries)
6. Put my giveaway button (above) in your sidebar... just right click and grab the image!
7. Like Duffy's Brew on Facebook

That's 11 possible entries!

No need to leave a comment for each entry... Just let me know what you've done in your comment and I'll figure it out. I'm good like that.

You must enter by Monday, February 21, 11:59 PST.

One more thing... If you don't win, you can always find Duffy's Brew Shampoo and Conditioner on Amazon and use coupon code DUFFYS82 for a limited time insider discount!

You're welcome :-)

xmas eve part I: bible reading and how i got shafted by uncle #3

Christmas traditions. Every family has them, right? Well in our family, we do Christmas Eve at my dad's parents house. Among the various personalities present, the two most important:

The Matriarch - Amazing woman, Commander of Crosswords who sings loudly and often, generous to a fault and in her old age becoming a tad forgetful... as in, she bought my then 13-year-old brother a LEGO set for Christmas last year.

The Patriarch - 90 something formerly prestigious Doctor, now selectively deaf UBER religious grandpa who I'm pretty sure believes we are all going to HELL because we don't go to the Catholic church where women wear doilies on their heads (or any church, really, but I digress).

Well grandpa always insists on Bible Reading before presents, which is fine. It probably would be less fine if he could hear the intonation and improvisation that goes on...

Like Uncle #1 (Organic farmer - loud when drunk, but aren't we all?) who surmised ... after skipping from the birth of the Lord to the circumcision chapter... that after the SNIP the son of God was named "Oh Jesus"....

Or my Aunt #1, Cousin #1 and #2, and Uncle #2 who all said PASS when the Book came to them, like roll-call for a bunch of ADD toddlers.

Or like my Mother (well she is my mother, so I will leave these parentheses devoid of criticism) who insisted on taking her reading very seriously... commanding everyone's attention and stopping with an 'ehem' at any distractions that then set everyone into giggles.

Okay, I am not doing this any justice. Maybe this picture helps?

No? You can come see for yourself next year. I promise you will be very entertained, or very offended. One or the other.

After the Bible Reading comes the Presents. In the past, we all used to get everyone Christmas gifts, but a few years back Aunt #1 decided we should do a gift exchange instead. Frankly, this idea was quite alright by me.

Really, receiving a gift certificate to a steakhouse as a vegetarian is one thing, but realizing it is expired... now that's the kind of joy I think people mean when they talk about feeling the Christmas love. Seriously, that happened once. And Hello Kitty happened too. And socks. Lots of socks.

So anyway, the gift exhange was really a good switch... and with everyone buying only one gift, things have been much better. We have a $100 limit which means - in my book - you should spend about that. Yes, "limit" implies do not go over but you don't want to go too far under either, right?

For example, I got my twenty-something cousin by marriage a $75 gift card and this amazing beer shampoo and conditioner:

(Side note: This stuff is THE Best. It's called Duffy's Brew and it's home made by friends of ours and it smells better than anything you've ever used on your hair and basically it's unicorn sparkle amazingness. But better.)

Anyway, I feel that for someone I don't know well, that is a great gift. Something that I really like... and something useful for him. And most everyone else in the family shockingly did really well with presents this year too.

Well, I'm just going to come out and say it.

I got shafted. 

Not that it really matters, because I am sooo spoiled and lucky and I have a onesie so whatever... but I got shafted. By my uncle... Uncle #3... the one who didn't come to family Christmas because he thinks everyone hates him (and some of us do) because he is trying to take all of my grandparent's money before they die. 

You know, I could excuse this if he were, oh I dunno, really poor or something. But he's not. He's just greedy and bitter.

(This might all be oversharing because we're "friends" on Facebook and there is a good chance he will read this... or I could follow in my mother's footsteps and defriend him... decisions... decisions...)

Oh, so you want to know what I got?

A paperback book.

The Art of Racing in the Rain.

Great book, actually. Just read it. Now I have two copies.

Do you know what's great about giving someone a paperbook book as a gift?

Absolutely nothing.

Okay, well maybe it would be a nice gesture from a friend, ya know, just because. But NOT for a Christmas gift in a $100 gift exchange.

I'm sorry, my puppy Homie gives better gifts than that... like every poop that is not inside.

(Sidenote: I just decided I will be including this copy in my UPCOMING GIVEAWAY... YES I'm having a giveaway, because I have over 100 followers now and that's what you do when you have over 100 followers. And I promise to include better Christmas leftovers than bitter uncle book... like unused giftcards. So stay tuned...)

Well after I opened my gift (the book), my dad just laughed and said:

"Shit rolls down the hill, Jenny. Shit rolls down the hill."

I'm not really sure how that applies, but did I mention I love my dad?

Oh, and I love my dog Bondi too. Even though he's like Uncle #3 bitter to be wearing a Christmas hat...

So anyway, Uncle #3, if you're reading this, you suck at Christmas. And sometimes at life. You should probably grow up and get a job. I hear they pay maybe even better than my grandparents' savings account. And maybe you didn't need to buy that vacation home or the new motorcycle... Just saying.

Phewww, I feel much better.

Coming up next, (1) why Christmas Eve this year was hilarious - there will be a video! and (2)introducing technology (ehem: IPAD/Facebook) to the Commander of Crosswords... the Matriarch... my Grandma :-) 

my new onesie!

Christmas was amazing, as usual. We are all so blessed and so spoiled. I know I missed the boat on going into details, so I'll just share what has turned out to be my most favorite gift... an "I Love Sushi" onesie from Joe.

 

I was skeptical when I first opened it, and I'll admit... I even looked into exchanging it. I mean, seriously, it has smiling wasabis on it. Well as it turns out, Jumpin Jammerz has a horrible return policy so the onesie stayed. And I couldn't be happier!

 

The fleece onesie topic actually came up in conversation pre Christmas at my girlfriend's house. She was raving about hers (this must have been when Joe got the idea...) but her husband warned Joe... "Don't do it, man. You will not get any."

 

Well obviously Joe must have been confused when he saw this picture online:

 

I mean, who wouldn't be? :-)

 

But in real life.. or as us bloggers say IRL the onesie is even more amazing than DD boobies and come get me face. The onesie is soft and snuggly and warm and this:

 

And as Joe now knows, once the zipper goes up... it rarely comes down.

 

Weirdly, Joe has been doing a lot of laundry lately, and my new onesie seems to be getting washed quite frequently! ;-)

EDITED TO ADD: After some thought (and a glass of wine) I have realized a few instances when the onesie has been NOT so great:

1. When I drove Joe to work early in my onesie. I had to slam on my brakes and almost got rear ended and all I could think about was how the medics were going to come and find me in my *I Love Sushi* onesie and have to cut it off of me and I would then be nakey in the hospital and without my onesie.
2. Last night, when Mr. Bondi decided to run across the street to "greet" the neighbor's dog, and by greet I mean growl at. And I had to chase after him, stammering apologies, in my onesie. I doubt the neighbor thinks too highly of me.

Just saying.

merry christmas and happy new year!

The holidays get a little nutty around here, and I have lots of funnies to share.

Like how at my Grandparents' house on Christmas Eve we all gathered to read the birth story of Christ, and my uncle kept reading beyond the whole manger scene to circumcision story... specifically, he explained that when the penis was snipped the baby was named... "Oh Jesus." 

Or like how at my work Christmas party, my sister asked my coworker's (15 year junior) girlfriend if her "Daddy" was a good Santa Claus. In her defense, it was an honest mistake ;-)

But for now, I'll leave you with the holiday cards we scored from Shutterfly!

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!