GO NUTS!

It's been over three weeks since my mom's big 50th birthday party I planned... you know, the one I was going nuts over!

Like I said, I have a new found respect for all of you ladies who have planned your own weddings. Invites, guest list, caterer, tents, heaters, food prep, bar prep, balloons, band, bartenders, kegs, decorations, cake, entertainment... it was almost more than this girl can handle!
 
Just about now, I can finally relax and share the sparkle unicorn awesomeness of the celebration with y'all.

Well I have to say, it went off without a hitch... unless you count the creepy old neighbor who wouldn't stop talking about his "little pecker" and his ex-wife's "stinky pu$$y" in front of my 5th grade teacher (so embarrassing) and me. But I digress...

One of the very last things I arranged for the party was the birthday cake. I did not want it to be BORING, but I was struggling with ideas.

If I lived in New York I would've just called on Miss Summer to come up with something, since *super awesome* is like standard for her cakes. A girl can dream...

So I thought of the Erotic Bakery in Seattle... you know the type of place where bridesmaids and bachelors galore flock to procure tasty desserts flaunting boobies and penises (penii?). However, call me crazy but I didn't think their "big black cock" special would be appropriate for the fifty plus crowd.

When I ran the erotic bakery idea by my dad, he agreed. "Not kosher". But he thought maybe they could do something else funny. Of course he was mum when it came to actually helping in that department.

So I got to brainstorming... and I thought about my mom and her squirrels:

And then I remembered a funny picture I had seen awhile back online:

And then it came to me!!!! A squirrel with NUTS!

Not too tacky... not like a porn-star penis or an old lady vagina... but a cartoon squirrel with large testicles.

I have to say, the girls at the erotic bakery were amazing. They knew just want I wanted. Well pretty much. They didn't know if I wanted a penis on the squirrel... probably because I was unable to answer that question. I hemmed and hawed over this dilemma for a good three minutes.

Penis? No penis? Penis? No penis?

Finally settled on a little penis. Good compromise.

Feeling pretty confident about my decision, I called up my dad and reported to him on the details of the cake. He was not happy, so I had to call up the girls at the shop and instruct them to ix-nay the penis-ay on the squirrel.

She says, "Roger that. No penis. Just large balls."

Well, here is the lovechild of my brain nuggets:

Amazing, no?

Funny story... my mom definitely asked where the penis was. Go figure!

The rest of the party was pretty fabulous also... I mean, besides the cake. My good buddy Jesse was working magic behind a full open bar, and thanks to the fabulous finger foods by Lynn's Bistro, almost everyone was able to keep it together, dancing to the Beatniks and singing karaoke until the early morning hours.

I mean, for a bunch of old fogies, I think my folks and co know how to party!

Want a FREE Bed? Live in New Jersey/New York?

We interrupt my regularly scheduled blogging to bring you this PSA.

(Who am I kidding? With my mom's big 50th coming up TOMORROW, my only semblance of a schedule right meow includes *stress* pull hair out* repeat* but I digress...)

Do you live near Closter New Jersey? That pretty much includes everyone in New York, right?

If so, do you - or does anyone you know - want a FREE Twin Size Modeno Bed from Costco?

All the bed info is here.

I know this is totally random, but my family's company makes this furniture. (I may have mentioned it before...) A customer purchased it and then changed her mind and now we either find someone who wants it (FREE!!!) or we have to pay to ship it back ($$$) so our loss is your gain. All you would have to do is pick up the bed (new and in its original packaging) in Closter, NJ.

I would ask all my DUKIES, since graduation was pretty much an exodus to New York city, but I'm pretty sure at 25+ we should all be sleeping in a little bigger beds now :-)

This bed is perfect for a little one, so ask around and let me know.

First one who wants it gets it!

PS: re: homie

Oh, I forgot to mention... my lovely pup Homie is totally ADORABLE. And also apparently feeling totally exhausted too.

Anyone feel like taking a nap??

words i never thought i'd say....

I said it.

Words I never thought I'd say.

I'm so glad NOT to be going to... 

LAS VEGAS 

this weekend.

I know, I know, I'm old... and lame... and exhausted.

But it's just too much right now. I can't do it.

A long long time ago I booked tickets for Joe and I to go here:

Because I knew we wouldn't want SUMMER to be over... and hoped to do maybe some of this:

... and some of that:

And then, last week, Joe came to me with this *I just kicked your puppy* look, and I knew it was gonna be bad.... and he said:

I really don't think we should go to Vegas... it's too much, we've been going non-stop... I don't wanna go.

And so I did what any girl would do who is blatantly not getting her way. I huffed and puffed and stamped my feet and pouted and blamed his work and his stress and blah blah blah.

I was a real gem. 

And now, I am eating my words.

So I just thought I'd share that:

Joe was totally right.  
And I was wrong.  
He made the best (uni-lateral) decision ever. 

And I can't promise those words will ever find their way here again either :-)

So this weekend.. I don't know what we're going to do. Hopefully a whole lot of nothing. Though to be honest, we already have a BBQ and a double header softball game and possibly camping (Joe's idea, of course) planned. That's a "relaxing" weekend for us. Just sayin...

go! go! go!!!

.. story of my life!

I feel just like this:

POOPED!

The last month has just flown by! There were friends in town, weddings, concerts, dinners, softball games, happy hours, road-trips, trade-shows, birthday parties, doggy birthday parties... 

... which equals a lot of FUN!

And also, a lot TO DO.

Never-ending piles of laundry, loads of dishes, suitcases to pack/unpack, doggy poop to scoop, groceries to buy, photos to upload ...blah. Blah. BLAH.

I just got back from a work trip to Minneapolis Tuesday night... BTW, I like Minneapolis. It's a strange city, I think. Strangely clean, for sure! Strangely quiet, too... I mean, for a city. They have above-ground walkways that connect all the buildings apparently for when its 40 below in the winter. They have an amazing pub called Brit's with lawn golf and movies on the roof, and the best Tuna Melt I've ever had. Oh, and they have a PEDAL PUB.

This is amazing. I want one.

The only thing is you actually have to pedal while drinking... on a bicycle seat. Or else it's just a stationary beer wagon, I guess. The whole exercising thing might get old... Nevertheless, I'm thinking of bringing these to Seattle. Just saying.

So anyway, last night was date night and we went to the Can Can and saw the Castaways cabaret show. If you're ever in Seattle, I highly recommend it. It's simply amazing.

Here's a trailer of sorts for the Can Can... probably not work appropriate, unless you're boss is cool with occasional pasties shots accompanied by uncensored Outkast.



Not only are their acts hilarious and entertaining, but some are divinely beautiful. This one has no pasties, I promise.



I think they could be on SYTYCD.

After the show and several drinkys (I always say "drinkys" ... I think it sounds much cuter than drinks, especially when combined with several) I insisted on street meat. This seems to be a pattern :-)

Nothing like a $5 Veggie Dog smothered in cream cheese, grilled onions and jalapenos to end the night. MMmmm... It always seems like a good idea at the time, anyway.

Well, Joe only had just enough cash, and being a gentleman, he said that's okay, he didn't want  one anyway (of course he did!) and paid for mine. (That's Joe for ya... being all classy at a hot-dog stand!)

Well, I managed to convince the nice man making my dog to make Joe one too, and I didn't even have to give him my Idaho hat! Major WIN.

This weekend we have more big plans. We're heading to the Gorge to see Dave Matthews tomorrow. Nice little 10th grade throwback. I fully expect to see some finger banging action and lots of Vodka water bottles. I'm taking Ashley's word for it, since I have no memories of my own high school DMB experiences. Weird.

Then we're spending the rest of the weekend at Suncadia Resort for a dear friend's wedding. I've never been there, but Kelsey says it is amazing.

Obviously, we're bringing the dogs. Homie is ready to party!

Speaking of parties, did I mention I've been planning a BIG Birthday Party for my fabulous mom?

She's turning 50!!!

So I made this little invitation and sent it to a couple hundred people...

I even invited an awesome band!

Well, the big day is coming up... and let me just say, this whole party planning shit is exhausting. I have a new found respect for all of y'all that plan your own weddings.

Anyway, I will leave you with this:

Curious?

fun at subway in arlington

Just poppin' in for a quick story time, then it's back to work counting down the minutes to seafair and refreshing weather.com every 12 minutes imploring the weekend forecast to improve. What's seafair? only the most amazing time of the year in Seattle... better than christmas! More on that later.

About last night.

So my lil bro Gabe and I were on our way back from sarvey after 5 hours of fun times with wild animals. I managed to make it out of there with only a little raccoon shit in my hair, so it was a good night.

We pulled up to Subway for dinner at 9:58 pm, just two minutes before they closed. We still had a good hour long drive ahead of us. Gabe and I wait patiently to order our subs while, likely reeking of God knows what... but then (I kid you not) the large man in front of us orders his sub: white bread, cheddar cheese, olives, ranch dressing and 3 chocolate chip cookies IN THE SUB. *Don't think that's what Jared had in mind... just saying*

The kids behind the counter were struggling to keep it together, as were we. ... Strangely this made me feel a little bit better about our smell :-)

Anyway, we get our sandwiches and while Gabe's paying - his treat! - I head out to the car... only to discover *SHITSKITTLES* the doors are locked. With my keys (cell phone, money, ID, etc. etc.) in the car.

I never lock my car door. In fact, as I type this my car is sitting outside unlocked with the keys inside of it. Call me stupid, but unless I'm in the city or a sketchy part of town, I don't lock the door. Definitely not for a 5 minute stop at Subway.

Well, Gabe felt pretty bad. Yes, my 14 year old brother locked me (us) out of the car over an hour from home... past my bedtime... in Arlington. You may have heard of Arlington as I'm pretty sure it was in the news recently when a man suffered fatal injuries after having sex with (being penetrated by) a horse. Yes, this confuses me too.

Anyway, Subway Boy said he might have a SlimJim to get my car open. When I think SlimJim, I think:

Apparently, a "slimjim" is actual a tool that criminals use to break in to cars. Why Subway Boy had one... well, I didn't ask.

I told him to give it a go, but he clearly didn't have much practice with it - good boy - so I called AAA. And by I, I mean Gabe, because I did not have my trusty BB with me (for shame!) and I am about as useful a chocolate teapot with his alien music touch phone thinger.

They tell me it's going to be an hour, so I tell them I am going to cry. Seriously. I said that...

I said, I'm going to cry if it takes an hour because I have nothing but a t-shirt on (I forgot to mention pants - oops!) and it is cold out and we're hours from home and there's nowhere to go...

A little exaggeration never hurt anyone....

So, AAA calls back to tell me they have a closer company who'll be here in 10. I Win!!!

Less than five minutes later, a tow-truck rolls up and Mountain Man, with a cigarette hanging from his mouth, jumps out and immediately gets to work on the car. No hi, how are you, who are you. Nada. Mountain Man finishes the job before his cigarette (and strangely I never saw him remove it from his mouth to exhale the entire time... this must be a finely developed skill... quite impressive).

And we're off.

But not before Subway Boy tells me, "Be sure to come back next week, it was great to meet you."

Well, I guess if things with Joe don't work out, I know I have options!

must see: the earthlings

DISCLAIMER: the bottom of this post contains disturbing images. there is a warning before that section of the post, if you do not wish to see.



have you heard of the documentary "earthlings"?

image source.

apparently it was released in 2005, but i never heard about it, until i read an article in the seattle p-i about the mistreatment of the elephants at woodland park zoo and saw a reference to earthlings in the comments section.

i watched the trailer online...



okay, i lied. i watched about half the trailer online, until i got to the part showing dogs, raccoons and foxes skinned alive in china for their fur, and i felt like vomiting. it was horrifying and disturbing. the images of animal cruelty, abuse, slaughter...

it wasn't that i didn't know this is a sad reality of the world we live in. it's just it's so easy to ignore. bury my head in the sand, so to speak.

anyway, i knew i had to watch earthlings.

i ordered it on netflix, and it sat on my coffee table for 6 days, daring me to watch it.

finally last night, with butterflies in my stomach, i put in the dvd, and cuddled up on the couch with bondi as my little spoon, and pressed play.

it was beyond disturbing. profoundly grotesque.

and i think you should watch it!

i know, i know. you will say "you can't bear to watch it" it's too awful. blah blah blah.

~*~this is me on my soap box~*~ if you eat bacon and eggs for breakfast, and steak for dinner... if you wear cute patent leather shoes and carry a lovely coach handbag, if you have a designer dog (or any dog), if you've ever been to the zoo or the circus or the rodeo, if you live on this planet we share with non-humans... you owe it to yourself to be informed.

~*~this is not me preaching~*~ telling you what decisions to make for your life. i do not judge you for your choices.

~*~i will not lie~*~ i eat chicken and turkey and eggs and milk and cheese. i wear leather.  

i am just as complicit in the torture and suffering of animals as the next person. and that is exactly what it is. torture and suffering. but i know... and i choose.

i choose not to eat mammals.

i choose to adopt my dogs from the shelter.

i choose to volunteer at sarvey.

i choose not to support seaworld or the zoo.

i choose to support defenders of wildlife.

and...

i choose to share this powerful documentary with you.

fyi: you can watch the whole movie documentary online here: www.earthlings.com

here is a summary (from wikipedia):

EARTHLINGS is a multi-award winning feature length documentary about humanity's absolute dependence on animals (for pets, food, clothing, entertainment, and scientific research) while illustrating our complete disrespect for these so-called "non-human providers." [...] the film is narrated by two-time Academy Award nominee Joaquin Phoenix and features music by the critically acclaimed platinum artist Moby. [...]

With an in-depth study into pet stores, puppy mills and animal shelters, as well as factory farms, the leather and fur trades, sports and entertainment industries, and finally the medical and scientific profession, EARTHLINGS uses hidden cameras and never before seen footage to chronicle the day-to-day practices of some of the largest industries in the world, all of which rely entirely on animals for profit. Powerful, informative and thought-provoking, EARTHLINGS is by far the most comprehensive documentary produced on the correlation between nature, animals, and human economic interests.

Phoenix has commented on the documentary that, "Of all the films I have ever made, this is the one that gets people talking the most. For every one person who sees EARTHLINGS, they will tell three."

consider ~this~ me telling three.

here is what people are saying who watch the earthlings:

"earthlings is the definitive film of all time that americans don't want to see."

"for those who watch the earthlings, the world will never be the same."

"earthlings is nothing short of a masterpiece"

"it is a rare experience to be changed by a film. earthlings has that power."

"the most powerful movie i have ever known."

WARNING: Below is a preview of certain disturbing images in the movie. 
DO NOT SCROLL DOWN IF YOU DO NOT WISH TO SEE. 

images courtesy of google "earthlings" images