merry christmas (don't kill wolves!)

If you hang around these parts, you probably know I'm a huge animal lover. Well, awhile back I made the mistake of making a small donation to one of my favorite charities, Defenders of Wildlife.  They apparently sold my information to every NPO from here to Djibouti (thanks for that) and now my mailbox overflows with a plethora of junk from every conceivable organization.

Most of it goes straight into the fireplace while I consider the irony of all the resources these (mostly) environmental organizations waste in their solicitations. But the other night I held onto an offer for personalized Holiday cards featuring endangered wolves.

The Gray Wolf is like my kindred spirit.
(Don't laugh. I love them.)

So I was pretty pretty devastated when I learned that wolf hunting was legalized in Idaho and Montana in 2009.

It was a controversial topic of conversation during visits to Idaho with the boyfriend. His friends and family had mixed opinions, but I knew it would be bad... and it was. It decimated the wolf population and thankfully this year they are back on the protected list.

No more hunting wolves!!!

Anyway, I talked with the boyfriend and he was super excited about the prospect of sending Save the Wolves holiday cards out to all his friends and family in Idaho.

I kid... I kid. He thought it was not very *in the holiday spirit* and suggested I look for something else.

Well the Universe must be on his side, because the very next day I stumbled upon this post by Miss DSS. Apparently, Shutterfly is doing a fabulous promotion giving away 50 free holiday cards to bloggers! Seriously.

While I don't think Shutterfly has any sexy "Save the Wolves" cards, they have something maybe even better: Personalized Christmas Photo Cards!

So instead of showcasing Canis lupis, I think boyfriend and I are going to go with Canis bondi and Canis homie.

Shutterfly has an amazing selection of Christmas Cards to choose from. Two of my favorites:

Of course, photos of these cute little kiddos would be replaced with ones of my *cuter* little pups.

And no worries... if you're Jewish, Muslim, atheist, politically correct, etc. Shutterfly has a wonderful selection of Holiday Cards to choose from as well!

To get 50 free cards from Shutterfly with your own blog, go here.

lowering expectations

I've been getting shit from some of my blog lovelies about how I never post anymore (though in my defense I'm an avid reader). Usually after not posting for several days weeks, I make a whole lot of excuses about how busy I've been - blah. blah. blah. 

Well, I have been busy. But after thoughtful consideration, I've decided I'm just going to skip the BS acting like I actually post regularly and just say why don't y'all expect to hear from me about once a month or so.. that why when/if I post more frequently you will be all jumping for joy and throwing a party and what have ya!

See what I'm doing? I'm lowering your expectations. I always feel it's better to set expectations low and be pleasantly surprised when they're exceeded than to have high expectations and be disappointed.

That's why birthdays and New Years Eve always suck. Expectations are way too high.

I have been trying to communicate this point to Joe lately, since he's gotten in the habit of setting my expectations too high.

One (PG-rated) example is the subject of when he's going to be home. Say, he tells me he's going to some "networking event" (aka Happy Hour) after work, and he'll be home by 7:00. So, I plan to be home around then so we can catch up, have dinner, relax, etc.

Well, say (hypothetically, of course) that 8:15 comes and he's still not home. At this point I am defintiely a cranky pants.  Actually, in truth, I'm a cranky pants by about 7:30. Come 8:15, the whole "etc." is definitely not going to be happening.

Best to just say "Honey, don't expect me until midnight." That way if he saunters in around 9:00 I'd be so excited I might just do a little jig... nakey...

Probably not, but you never know! Excitement is a funny emotion :-)

Anyway, now that your expectations of my blogging are much lower, let me share with you what I meant to a while back: Adventures in Pumpkin Carving.

It was a good time... minus a little weirdness over the whole - host is a recovering alcoholic and everyone else likes to enjoy a few adult beverages at a "party" - thing.

So obviously it was BYOB. No big deal.

But it was also BYOWG... yes that is BYO wine glass.

Now it's awkward enough bringing your own alcohol to a sober dude's pad... but your own wine glass??? Thank God for keg cups. (Did you know, by the way, that you can fit almost an entire bottle of wine into a keg cup? Just kidding. Kindove.)

There are benefits to this whole scenario too, though, like getting to take home all the leftover pumpkin beer if you're the last people to leave. Wouldn't want to leave any temptations lying around!

Here's the whole group of us...

...and here are our creations... Can you guess which pumpkin is mine??

YES... yes I did.

I wanted to leave my special pumpkin out for the Trick-or-Treaters, but it started to get moldy and collapse on itself. So, what started as a risque pumpkin featuring a sexy (albeit big-chinned) girl engaged in some sexytime turned into a pumpkin featuring a diseased dude sucking leper cock. (I hope I didn't just lose any readers... but seriously that's what it looked like.) 

After the pumpkin carving party, I had no time to mourn the transformation of my love-child because I was off to Orlando for the Ace Hardware convention.

The highlight of this tradeshow is always the Ace Party with a Purpose. I've blogged about it before (remember my Tina Turner wannabe performance at the Mardi Gras party?) but I've been looking forward to this fall's at Universal Studios Island of Adventure sooo stinkin' much I wasn't even (that) sad about missing Halloween celebrations last Saturday.

Given the theme of this post, I probably should not have set my expectations for Island of Adventure so high... but seriously, it was AMAZING beyond expectations. (Universal Studios 1-Boyfriend 0).

Unlimited access to all the coolest rides with NO LINES... AND and open bar! Soooo FUN!

(Sidenote: Rollercoasters + Open Bar = NOT FUN for the 8 year old boy who got puked on by some drunk guy.)

But the BEST PART (besides the open bar, of course) was... OH HELLO the NEW Wizarding World of Harry Potter.

Actually, who am I kidding, Harry Potter World was TOTALLY better than the free drinks. I know, I'm a HUGE nerd. Just call me POTTERPHILE..

Of course, after all my talk of Hogwarts and Hippograffs and Wingardium Leviosa spells and Dementors and Gillyweed and Butterbeer my dad and coworker/friend thought I was a bit loopy. Fair assumption. But if you haven't obsessed over read the books, don't judge.

I assume I wasn't the only one who devoured the books and waited for hours in line for every new movie release because a midnight Harry Potter showing was a rare opportunity to hold hands slash thighs with your Mormon crush in 9th grade.

Just me? Weird.

Seriously, if you have the chance to go, GooOOO!!!!

Flying on a broomstick drunky through a magical world is un-freakin-believably AMAZING.

That is, of course, until the next day if you have to be up by 6AM and in a booth HUNGOVER for 11 hours dressed up on Halloween Eve. Of course, I set my expectations low so it wasn't too terrible. Actually, after a few bottles of water it was kinda fun... as fun as wearing nylons, fishnets, spankies, and a wig in 90 degree weather can be, anyway.

See? That's me, totally having fun. With a crooked wig. I may have still been cross-eyed when I put it on. I hope no one expected us to look really good or anything :-)

GO NUTS!

It's been over three weeks since my mom's big 50th birthday party I planned... you know, the one I was going nuts over!

Like I said, I have a new found respect for all of you ladies who have planned your own weddings. Invites, guest list, caterer, tents, heaters, food prep, bar prep, balloons, band, bartenders, kegs, decorations, cake, entertainment... it was almost more than this girl can handle!
 
Just about now, I can finally relax and share the sparkle unicorn awesomeness of the celebration with y'all.

Well I have to say, it went off without a hitch... unless you count the creepy old neighbor who wouldn't stop talking about his "little pecker" and his ex-wife's "stinky pu$$y" in front of my 5th grade teacher (so embarrassing) and me. But I digress...

One of the very last things I arranged for the party was the birthday cake. I did not want it to be BORING, but I was struggling with ideas.

If I lived in New York I would've just called on Miss Summer to come up with something, since *super awesome* is like standard for her cakes. A girl can dream...

So I thought of the Erotic Bakery in Seattle... you know the type of place where bridesmaids and bachelors galore flock to procure tasty desserts flaunting boobies and penises (penii?). However, call me crazy but I didn't think their "big black cock" special would be appropriate for the fifty plus crowd.

When I ran the erotic bakery idea by my dad, he agreed. "Not kosher". But he thought maybe they could do something else funny. Of course he was mum when it came to actually helping in that department.

So I got to brainstorming... and I thought about my mom and her squirrels:

And then I remembered a funny picture I had seen awhile back online:

And then it came to me!!!! A squirrel with NUTS!

Not too tacky... not like a porn-star penis or an old lady vagina... but a cartoon squirrel with large testicles.

I have to say, the girls at the erotic bakery were amazing. They knew just want I wanted. Well pretty much. They didn't know if I wanted a penis on the squirrel... probably because I was unable to answer that question. I hemmed and hawed over this dilemma for a good three minutes.

Penis? No penis? Penis? No penis?

Finally settled on a little penis. Good compromise.

Feeling pretty confident about my decision, I called up my dad and reported to him on the details of the cake. He was not happy, so I had to call up the girls at the shop and instruct them to ix-nay the penis-ay on the squirrel.

She says, "Roger that. No penis. Just large balls."

Well, here is the lovechild of my brain nuggets:

Amazing, no?

Funny story... my mom definitely asked where the penis was. Go figure!

The rest of the party was pretty fabulous also... I mean, besides the cake. My good buddy Jesse was working magic behind a full open bar, and thanks to the fabulous finger foods by Lynn's Bistro, almost everyone was able to keep it together, dancing to the Beatniks and singing karaoke until the early morning hours.

I mean, for a bunch of old fogies, I think my folks and co know how to party!

Want a FREE Bed? Live in New Jersey/New York?

We interrupt my regularly scheduled blogging to bring you this PSA.

(Who am I kidding? With my mom's big 50th coming up TOMORROW, my only semblance of a schedule right meow includes *stress* pull hair out* repeat* but I digress...)

Do you live near Closter New Jersey? That pretty much includes everyone in New York, right?

If so, do you - or does anyone you know - want a FREE Twin Size Modeno Bed from Costco?

All the bed info is here.

I know this is totally random, but my family's company makes this furniture. (I may have mentioned it before...) A customer purchased it and then changed her mind and now we either find someone who wants it (FREE!!!) or we have to pay to ship it back ($$$) so our loss is your gain. All you would have to do is pick up the bed (new and in its original packaging) in Closter, NJ.

I would ask all my DUKIES, since graduation was pretty much an exodus to New York city, but I'm pretty sure at 25+ we should all be sleeping in a little bigger beds now :-)

This bed is perfect for a little one, so ask around and let me know.

First one who wants it gets it!

PS: re: homie

Oh, I forgot to mention... my lovely pup Homie is totally ADORABLE. And also apparently feeling totally exhausted too.

Anyone feel like taking a nap??

words i never thought i'd say....

I said it.

Words I never thought I'd say.

I'm so glad NOT to be going to... 

LAS VEGAS 

this weekend.

I know, I know, I'm old... and lame... and exhausted.

But it's just too much right now. I can't do it.

A long long time ago I booked tickets for Joe and I to go here:

Because I knew we wouldn't want SUMMER to be over... and hoped to do maybe some of this:

... and some of that:

And then, last week, Joe came to me with this *I just kicked your puppy* look, and I knew it was gonna be bad.... and he said:

I really don't think we should go to Vegas... it's too much, we've been going non-stop... I don't wanna go.

And so I did what any girl would do who is blatantly not getting her way. I huffed and puffed and stamped my feet and pouted and blamed his work and his stress and blah blah blah.

I was a real gem. 

And now, I am eating my words.

So I just thought I'd share that:

Joe was totally right.  
And I was wrong.  
He made the best (uni-lateral) decision ever. 

And I can't promise those words will ever find their way here again either :-)

So this weekend.. I don't know what we're going to do. Hopefully a whole lot of nothing. Though to be honest, we already have a BBQ and a double header softball game and possibly camping (Joe's idea, of course) planned. That's a "relaxing" weekend for us. Just sayin...

go! go! go!!!

.. story of my life!

I feel just like this:

POOPED!

The last month has just flown by! There were friends in town, weddings, concerts, dinners, softball games, happy hours, road-trips, trade-shows, birthday parties, doggy birthday parties... 

... which equals a lot of FUN!

And also, a lot TO DO.

Never-ending piles of laundry, loads of dishes, suitcases to pack/unpack, doggy poop to scoop, groceries to buy, photos to upload ...blah. Blah. BLAH.

I just got back from a work trip to Minneapolis Tuesday night... BTW, I like Minneapolis. It's a strange city, I think. Strangely clean, for sure! Strangely quiet, too... I mean, for a city. They have above-ground walkways that connect all the buildings apparently for when its 40 below in the winter. They have an amazing pub called Brit's with lawn golf and movies on the roof, and the best Tuna Melt I've ever had. Oh, and they have a PEDAL PUB.

This is amazing. I want one.

The only thing is you actually have to pedal while drinking... on a bicycle seat. Or else it's just a stationary beer wagon, I guess. The whole exercising thing might get old... Nevertheless, I'm thinking of bringing these to Seattle. Just saying.

So anyway, last night was date night and we went to the Can Can and saw the Castaways cabaret show. If you're ever in Seattle, I highly recommend it. It's simply amazing.

Here's a trailer of sorts for the Can Can... probably not work appropriate, unless you're boss is cool with occasional pasties shots accompanied by uncensored Outkast.



Not only are their acts hilarious and entertaining, but some are divinely beautiful. This one has no pasties, I promise.



I think they could be on SYTYCD.

After the show and several drinkys (I always say "drinkys" ... I think it sounds much cuter than drinks, especially when combined with several) I insisted on street meat. This seems to be a pattern :-)

Nothing like a $5 Veggie Dog smothered in cream cheese, grilled onions and jalapenos to end the night. MMmmm... It always seems like a good idea at the time, anyway.

Well, Joe only had just enough cash, and being a gentleman, he said that's okay, he didn't want  one anyway (of course he did!) and paid for mine. (That's Joe for ya... being all classy at a hot-dog stand!)

Well, I managed to convince the nice man making my dog to make Joe one too, and I didn't even have to give him my Idaho hat! Major WIN.

This weekend we have more big plans. We're heading to the Gorge to see Dave Matthews tomorrow. Nice little 10th grade throwback. I fully expect to see some finger banging action and lots of Vodka water bottles. I'm taking Ashley's word for it, since I have no memories of my own high school DMB experiences. Weird.

Then we're spending the rest of the weekend at Suncadia Resort for a dear friend's wedding. I've never been there, but Kelsey says it is amazing.

Obviously, we're bringing the dogs. Homie is ready to party!

Speaking of parties, did I mention I've been planning a BIG Birthday Party for my fabulous mom?

She's turning 50!!!

So I made this little invitation and sent it to a couple hundred people...

I even invited an awesome band!

Well, the big day is coming up... and let me just say, this whole party planning shit is exhausting. I have a new found respect for all of y'all that plan your own weddings.

Anyway, I will leave you with this:

Curious?