in which i do not talk about pee, poo or toilets...

MCW says all my posts lately have been about poop and pee and other gross stuff. Well no more of that shit stuff, I promise! I WILL NOT speak of such disgusting things in this post.. seriously. But I got lots of other stuff to say, so here goes...

Joe and I recently moved to a new house... not the one with the creepy sex offender neighbor. This place has a big ol' front yard for Mister Bondi, wood floors, a fireplace. Good times. We managed to convince the landlord that no non-refundable pet deposit (aka pay $500 to have a dog) was unnecessary since Bondi is so well behaved. Well it was a little awkward when we pulled up to the house to unload our first truck of stuff and Bondi hopped out right.in.front.of.landlord and ran to the first pile of dog poo and covered himself in it.

... oopsies I already mentioned poo, but I mean.. "dog poo" is NOT as bad as people poo, so whatevs.... sorry. won't do it again. anywhoodles...

Moving is a bitch... and we have still yet to unpack everything. Our second bedroom now is the designated room o' crap we are too lazy to haven't had time to put away. Can you find the puppy?

Joe and Bondi are quite comfortable in the new place. Can you tell they like each other?

So as I was saying, the new place is great. Big front yard, fenced side yard for the dogs - did I say dogs? I meant dog.. really, we're not getting another dog... truly - and lots more space.

Well it's not all sparkles and unicorns... as we quickly learned that we are not alone in the house. I should've been suspicious when the bird feeder I put out the first night we moved in was almost empty the next morning... and we had seen nary a starling. Well, on night two I woke up sometime around 3:00am to the sounds of gnawing and scurrying.

Joe... do you hear that?

<<mumble grumble>> Hear what? Go back to sleep!

THAT. <<chomp.chomp.pitter patter pitter patter. chomp. chomp. chomp>>

Oh yes, we have company... rodent company. As in, we have rats in the walls. More on that later, but I will say nothing turns me on more than the sound of scurrying rats when I'm in bed.

We also have one of these that does his thing from approximately 6am-9am right outside our bedroom window.

Such a noisy fucker beautiful bird!

I was off to New Orleans... just a few days after we moved in. I work for the family company which involves several times a year going to hardware tradeshows.

There are lots of perks to working for the family biz. Namely, I get to make my own hours and bring Mister Bondi to work with me. (Warning: here comes the sap). Perhaps the best part, though, is being able to spend so much time with my family. My parents work their freakin' asses off for this company, and they rarely take vacations. (Their 2-night getaway to Schweitzer with Joe and I was a huge deal for them...) So, going to tradeshows sometimes turns into a mini family vacation.

Usually my dad and I (along with another sales rep) go to most of the shows together, and just in the past year or so we've been to a hockey game in Atlanta, done the New York New York rollercoaster and learned to play craps in Vegas, and most recently frequented amazing jazz clubs on Bourbon Street. We saw this 500 lb dude sing his heart out one night last week.

 I desperately wanted to tell him to go on Biggest Loser, but I refrained myself. *good girl*

One of the best nights in NOLA went to the Ace Mardis Gras "Party with a Purpose" - it was a charity event with dinner, OPEN BAR, and live entertainment. At one point the host asked for several girls to join him on stage to help out with a Tina Turner number. My dad (seriously, I swear he did) insisted that I do it... I wasn't so sure, as I had only had one adult beverage and the thought of humiliating myself standing up on stage in front of 3,000 people, most of whom were prospects or existing accounts, did not sound like a fun time.

Somehow I was coerced into doing this though... and what I thought was going to be some sort of "Rolling on the River" sing-a-long turned into a full on Girls-Gone-Wild style dance competition including a very older woman who pulled her thong out of her pants. WTF??

I behaved though. Really. The wildest I got was swinging my Mardis Gras beads over my head and throwing them into the crowd. Too bad so sad most hardware folk are technologically challenged, otherwise I would be sharing a YouTube video of my ridiculously horrid dance performance. These pics from my dads phone will have to suffice.

You get the idea. Anyway...

It was good to come home. Bondi is a total mess when I'm gone... like OCD to the nth degree. He is already a ridiculously neurotic pup... (click thru "neurotic pup" to see him hiding in the tub!) and when his routine changes he goes a little bonkers. When I leave him at my mom's that usually involves him repeatedly locking himself in the storage closet downstairs... for reals. And this last time, he decided to bite all the hair off his bum.

It's slowly healing, but we may have to break out the cone if he doesn't knock.it.off.

Since it's Friday... I'll leave y'all with this precious pic of my pup from last night.

*no words*

Hoping to be back to my regularly scheduled musings, funnies and other garbage next week...

just say no to auto flush

hello from NOLA - or for the abbreviation challenged, that's new orleans.

aaah, brings back memories from a 4 day binger at mardis gras lovely trip in college. but now in my grown up life i'm here for work, specifically slinging locking mailboxes at the ace hardware show for the family business. actually alot more fun than it sounds. anywhoodles...

so the convention center here has these "nifty" auto-flush toilets. oooh snazzy... yeah until i used one a few times today...

the verdict is in: i am decidedly anti auto-flush toilet. 

reason #1: i think they're supposed to save water and all, and don't get me wrong... i'm all about saving the earth... seriously, i am. but heRRo! news flash: they don't save water. think about it... has this happened to you? you sit to potty and then before you're even done it surprise flushes? four times? unnecessary. (kinda like the 3rd "hurricane" last night and the convention center jumbalaya.)

reason #2: auto-flush toilets (especially in new orleans apparently?) are super aggressive. when the toilet decides to prematurely do its thing, you get splashed (SO gross) by dirty toilet water. lesson here? potty time with auto flush toilets includes a fun game of sit - stand to avoid being splashed - sit - repeat. fun times.

reason #3: auto-flush toilets pretty much preclude any opportunities for sexy time in the bathroom. just completely takes all the romance out of it. so distracting also. not that i would know because i'm far too classy for sexy time in public bathroom stalls... but just, hypothetically.. ya know?

conclusion: let me flush the damn toilet when i am good and ready. mmkay? thanks!

oh, and here's an elephant using a toilet, just for fun:

i *heart* elephants. they're so dang smart... surely they say no to auto-flush too.

i've been busy: part 1

it's so exhausting keepin y'all entertained with my funnies from san francisco... but i just don't have the energy for any funnies today, or i'm guilty of being #85 uncreative bitch.

(btw if you haven't seen this "types of bitches" list in full, check it out here. you won't be disappointed.)

anywho.. so i've been really busy these last couple months. most recently, we moved!! and haven't been so great about sharing my day to days and weekends. so today, i will do it.. well part of it anyway..

back in january (yes, I know... that long ago... for shame!) we took a trip to schweitzer and invited my family minus the sister along. (paybacks a bitch). sooo it was joe and i, my dog bondi, my folks and gabe, and their two dogs sophie and tanner. let's just say it was a packed little cabin.

here's joe with the 3 dogs. 

the skiing was incredible.

joe and gabe got into. i won't say who won :-)

we played scrabble and yahtzee.

my mom is the worst scrabble cheater ever. literally she was hiding tiles everywhere, sneaking peeks in the dictionary, etc. not cool!

 i still won though. i'm that good.

mister tanner loved the snow but his golden doodle coat just wasn't having it...

so he needed to be robed like a person, obviously.

hmmm i've got lots more pics and i'm still in january. moving on to february....

here's joe and i on valentine's day. we ate at sazerac. it was delicious.

we went for drinkys after...

here's a shot of my tights i was wearing. i think i'm a fan. thoughts?

a v-day kiss for good measure.

well that brings me up to feb 14. and now i'm off to crossfit to start the weekend... more on feb-march later!

rainbow parties??

So 13 year old brother comes home the other night and tells my mom all the cool kids are having "rainbow parties" and he's not invited.

How this kid is not "cool" I have no idea:

8th graders are like pirhannas, or termites, or some vicious grotesque cannibalistic animals... that's for certain. I can't believe some of the shit they post on FB.. but I'm getting off track. Back to "rainbow parties"

What are they? Oh, please... let me explain.

A rainbow party is when several "cool" girls where lipstick according to the colors of the rainbow: We're talking ROY-G-BIV lipstick. Then.. they give the appointed "cool" guy a rainbow on his PENIS!!!!

SERIOUSLY???

First of all, WTF??? What is wrong with children today? And yes, I consider 13 year old children.

Secondly, logistically speaking I'm stumped. We're talking a 13 year old boy here. How is his penis even large enough to accomodate the ROY-G-BIV rainbow??

Thirdly, THANK GOD my brother isn't a "cool" kid.

And when I have kids, I'll be certain to warn them of these rainbow parties.

Scratch that. If they're girls they'll be under lock-and-key. Save that girl on girl stuff for college, thank you very much.

And nobody looks good in green lipstick.

bodily functions in san fran, ctd.

So last week I graced you with the poopy part of san fran. If you have not read yet, please do...and as Miss Ashley of Kiwis and Cocktails said, bring a barf bag. (Thanks, Ash!)

Today you get our story from Friday night. It involves the other primary toilet function #1. Not really. Well, kindove.

So Friday evening, after Joe and I have walked several miles, we finally make our way to the evening's destination: The Punch Line Comedy Club San Francisco.

We get there early and I, of course, insist on sitting at a table in the front row.

Front row at comedy clubs brings me back to Wednesday nights at the Coogee Bay Comedy Club in Sydney and the time I was pulled up on stage and instructed to jump up and down... aah, that's another story.

Anyway, Back to San Fran... So I sit myself down front and center. Joe protests heavily, sitting several tables away for approximately 57 seconds before he realizes I am not moving. He begrudgingly joins me, saying "this is a very bad idea..."

We order a round of Coors Lights and wait patiently for the first act for a few minutes. Then, adult ADD sets in and we begin self photo shoot marathon:

After Take 47 Joe is bored of this game, so we move on to Hang Man.

Luckily we find some handy dandy scraps of yellow paper on the table... the front says something or other about subscribing to some email list... yaddah yaddah. More junk mail? Thanks, but no thanks.

The backside, however, is nice and blank.

Proceed Hang Man Round 1. 

I start and pick a nice easy word: _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Right off the bat Joe gets _ E _ _ A _ I O.

Seriously, who picks all vowels off the bat??!!!

It's FELLATIO!

Shit, balls. How did he guess it?? 

Quick thinking on my part and I have a new word. He doesn't get BELLAGIO and I win!!!! Hooray.

Proceed Hang Man Round 2. 

Joe's turn: _ _ _ _ _ _   _ _ _ _ _ _

Not bragging or anything, but I'm a avid crossword puzzler and got an 800 on my SAT Verbal, so I easily guess GOLDEN SHOWER in a few turns... (I remember covering that one back in Junior Year, for sure) and we order another round of Coors Lights. 

My turn: _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Joe gets: 

NECROPHILIA !!! He exclaims. (Apparently that shit's exciting to him.) A few heads turn. The opener hasn't come on yet and it's still pretty quiet.

Alright, my turn again: _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Joe gets: C _ N N _ _ _ N _ _ _

He's apparently stumped. Really??? Well that's just great! I am about to give my opinion on this when the opener comes on. Joe is visibly relieved.

The comedians are pretty funny. I'm amused. We both have another round of Coors Lights, and then the headliner Al Madrigal comes on. We order one more Coors Light for good measure, to share...

Don't judge: there was a 2 drink/person minimum, we were on vacation, and bottled domestics were the only drink under $5. For shame.

This guy Al Madrigal was picking on a few people in the crowd... but not too bad. He mostly picked on the flaming gay group next to us. The San Fran crowd likes gay jokes... surprise!

It seems we're in the clear when there comes a pause in the act, and out of nowhere the comedian snatches my little yellow paper off our table.

Phew... he is just asking the audience to fill out his little thingers. Apparently you might win a CD of him, but wait.. there's more... you get free SPAM for life. (Sign me up!)

Then... he saw the back:

"Oh great. THIS COUPLE has decided to denigrate my property!"

Denigrate? Property? Really?? Not sure about your word choice, Mr. Madrigal.

He took one look at our table:

"I wonder what THEY'RE GOING TO DO TONIGHT??? Drinking Coors Lights? Getting all hot thinking about what they're gonna do later??? They're gonna go home and pee all over each other. Aren't YOU???"

In our defense, we did not, in fact, go home and pee on each other. Home was several hundred miles away.

BTW - Can you guess the word that stumped Joe? I sure hope so.

the poopy part of san francisco

We spent the weekend in San Francisco. It was mostly all sunshine and rainbows :-) Delicious food and drinkys, swanky hotel, lots of walking, window shopping, and people watching...

... But some of the trip was pretty poopy... quite literally.

I haven't decided if this is even funny or not, but it is most definitely gross. Consider yourself warned. OK, here goes...

So it all started when Joe and I were looking at renting a condo from a lesbian couple who were originally from San Fran. We asked them to recommend some "non touristy" places to check out, and they suggested Polk Street. I distinctly remember they said be sure to avoid *some part* of Polk Street, which I wrote down on a little piece of paper that I promptly lost.

Well, Saturday morning Joe and I are feeling all spontaneous and decide to head to Polk Street.

We're hip. We're cool. We're fresh. We ain't no tourists!

So we start walking south on Market Street... and walking... and walking... Now we're at Polk.

"Joe, seriously stop pulling that map out every few seconds... you'll blow our cover!!!!"

I'm so distracted by chastising Joe for his excessive map consultation that I hardly notice there are now bars on all of the windows.

We pass a smoke shop, a strip club, a liquor store, a condemned vacant  building, the 57^th homeless person, a woman with oozing open sores all over her body moaning loudly in the threshold of a doorway...

We're REALLY in a bad part of town now. WTF... There was no warning on the map that said ghetto??

And then my tummy starts hurting. Bad.

Maybe I'm just sick to my stomach from the Crack & AIDS in the air feeling incredibly disturbed by all the sadness?? Nope.. that's not it.

"Umm, Joe... I need to use a bathroom."

"Well, honey..." (He pulls out his handy SF map for the seventeenth time.) "We have less than a mile until it should start cleaning up and then we can stop for lunch and use a bathroom."

"Umm, Joe, I have about 2 maybe 3 blocks in me."

Shit! There's nothing around... Now if I just had to #1, I would happily pop a squat in an alley with the rest of the San Fran homeless population.

*When in Rome* right?

However, I do not poopy in alleys.

Joe's walking faster than me now and almost doesn't see me duck into the Taco Bell on the corner. No, not because I am craving a 7-Layer Burrito. I have to go like right meow. I ask the cashier to buzz me into the bathroom. He informs me I'll have to use the men's room because the women's is "out of order".

Whatever, I'm not scurred. I've done my thing in plenty of men's rooms before. I open the door to the bathroom and immediately regret touching the door handle.

The overwhelming stench, OMG... There are blue plaid boxers in the trash... covered in shit. There is literally CRAP smeared all over the walls and there are turds... multiple pieces of human poop... on the floor. In fact, I just stepped on a piece of poopy.

Oh, my poor UGGS!!


You have got to be shitting me!

And the women's restroom is "out of order"?? WTF. What could possibly be worse than THIS?? I mean, short of someone having an abortion in there and clogging the toilet with the fetus, seriously.

I consider running away. Far, FAR AWAY. But then I realize that I probably won't make it without my undies ending up in a garbage somewhere.

I would be lying if I said I didn't seriously contemplate pooping on the floor. Really, it wouldn't have made any difference in the level of filth. However, I play the dodge the human feces game - like Hop Skotch, only more precarious - on my way to the toilet where I proceed to thank my lucky stars for CrossFit.

Yes, I'm an excellent squatter. Not even any splash-age, (thank God!)

No, I will not touch anything in this restroom, not even a seat cover (not that there were any to speak of)...

TMI yet?

Umm okay, I'll skip the rest of the shitty details. mwahahahaha.

But for your future reference, here is a little guide I made for you illustrating the Poopy Part of San Francisco:

*Made in Paint, yes I am skilled... cuz Photoshop is on my laptop for elitists. Click to enlarge and appreciate all the glorious details.

You're welcome.

Anyway, the rest of the day was all sparkles and rainbows and sunshine! Seriously. But this stuff is not nearly as exciting as a poopy Taco Bell.

Joe's "Crab Shack" at Fisherman's Wharf.

Homeless man "fishing" for change from a trash can.

Yes, I took a picture.

Funky car parked downtown.

PS: In case you were wondering, we have since learned that it is "not safe" south of California on Polk. I mean, for future reference and all... cause we just spent two hours of our life there last Saturday. No worries, we survived. It was a poopy adventure wonderful time. I would highly recommend it. To anyone.

happy freakin bday

It has been forever and EVER since I've really shared.. and I have no clue where to start! So how bout something that I'm not particularly excited about has nothing to do with me...

It's my lil sissy's 25th birthday Friday and we're she's going to *Vegas* . YAYYY!!!

Without me.

I don't know why she didn't want me to join her entourage in Vegas?? I  mean, with my gambling prowess and peer pressure abilities combined with my affinity for strip clubs and tipsy VIP haggling skills, I'm a no brainer choice for the invite list.

But whatever, I'm going to San Fran this weekend anyway...

*Trying to convince myself that San Fran trumps Vegas. MEH.*

Still, I'm a good sister so I got the birthday girl a lil' sumpin sumpin today. You likey??

This card (so appropriate):

This scarf: 

And some Bling (not to be confused with Blog Bling):

This bottom necklace I got at Macy's for $34.95 - 65% off of $100. Score!

I may or may not have left the $100 tag on. Boy will she be surprised when she tries to bring it back with the gift receipt!!! mwahahaha ;-)

Anyway, Happy Freakin' Birthday Sister.

I love you, and hope you lose all your money and dignity have a great time in Vegas without me.